Hollywood Humph

The Tiki bar is now open…
Boat drinks are now being served.

It was Thursday night and I was trying to get my act together. Went down to the gym, had some dinner and stared at my closet and was wondering what I should take. I was not sure what the weather was going to be like because I could not get a hold of Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel. So I just had to text him and he finally gave me some results. It was going to be 70 during the day and low 50’s during the night. I wanted to get to bed early because I knew it was going to be a long crazy weekend. So I finished up my packing and tried to watch one episode of Family Guy before all hell was going to break loose.


I did not sleep so well because I was dreaming of drinking Corona’s by 10 am in the streets of New Orleans. Little did I know I would be cock tailing on the plane with 2 other crazed women who apparently don’t drink early in the morning. How are you supposed to drink all day if you don’t start early?


I was dropped off at the airport and there is Lauren, Tara and Mike. We were all very excited to be heading to New Orleans…Ok listen, I’m not going to keep spelling out New Orleans going forward. Since I type with two fingers; this is going to save me some time. From now on;it’s NOLO. Ok….Where was I? Leslie and Gail are right behind us and Lauren’s friend Justin. You know the whole routine trying to get through TSA. What a pain in the ass. We are all in…Thank goodness. Like every good person from Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood, I went straight for the bar. Yes, it is 8am. They are closed? WTF? Really? They don’t open till 9am. Now I am pissed. I am in holiday mode and I am going to one of the greatest drinking establishments in the country. Don’t worry, the Elbo Room is my top priority. Hope I did not scare anyone out there.


I wonder why my greatest feature is my calves? I think the big man upstairs said “look at that poor little bastard. He sure could use some help” And so it is….


So now, we are in the terminal with no beer and we are looking at each other like what should we do. And then it happened, we discovered the plane we were taking was Shammo. This plane was painted as a killer whale. Now if you all remember, there was a trainer who was killed in Orlando just a few days prior to us getting on board. How exciting was this going to be?


Have you ever flown on Southwest? If you have you will know exactly what I am taking about. They have these lines listed A,B,C. If you log on 24 hours in advances you can usually get in the A line. If not you will be toward the back of the plane. Every time I go on a Southwest flight I always look around and I think you can just tell who is going to be in the “A” line versus someone who will be in Line “C”. Sometimes when I am in line I just want to snicker at all the other poor bastards who are not even in line. They look like they have been just been beaten down. They probable forgot they were going on a flight or they forgot to put it in their calendar at least 24 hours in advanced. Priorities people…Come on….


Why is it I just wrote a whole page of detailed information and I am not even on the plane yet? Don’t answer that….


I like to get on the plane first. It makes me feel like I am going to get where I need to go. If I am one of the last people to get on, then I wonder how the hell I am going to get my carry on in the over head bin. There is nothing worse than having to put your bag in the bin 4 seats behind you. I can tell you right now…. You are fucked. You might as well get off the plane at end of the flight while the cleaning people are coming on. Drink heavily my frequent flyers.


The time has come for us to get on the plane. Thank goodness. We all have seats together and I have the pleasure of sitting next to 2 ladies in my group. Little did I know they could pound Bloody Marys and want to make a gay guy come over and beat the shit out of them. When I am on a plane I often wonder if I am going to see any of my fellow travelers out and about in the City I am going to. Sometimes I wonder if they will be on my return flight. I usually get to see one or two that look familiar.


We are in the air and I can’t wait for us to get to 10000 feet. That means approved electronic devices and they ladies will be coming around with the cart full of cocktails….YAY! Oh, I forgot. Southwest comes around with a little tray. Anyway, our flight attendant was cool. She was chatty, like me. So we had fun. I order up some beer because that’s what I do. Now, here comes the fun part. Gail and Leslie were having BM’s…That’s Bloody Marys. Don’t go down that path. We were having a great time on that plane and everybody knew it. Especially the gay guy. He was looking at Gail and Leslie as if they were mortal enemies. So what did we do….You guessed it. Ordered up another round. If people are having fun on a plane you just can’t fight it. Just order up and become like them. It’s not difficult.


By this time, my two ladies are having a time of their lives. You would have thought they have never drank at 9:30 in the morning before. So the conversation starts to turn to why a certain woman in one of those lady magazines is still with that crazy man of hers and that dress she is wearing makes her look like a stripper. God get me out of this seat. Someone please help me. I look behind me and there is the rest of the crew, just kind of hanging out. They are trying not to let the rest of the plane know we are with them.


We are getting close to NOLO. Looking out the window is a grim reminder of what happened here. There was a lot of empty space. It looked like a field of grass but then you could see driveways. There were no houses on those lots. I can’t even imagine what that was like. We did get a taste of it here. Most people forget that Hurricane Katrina hit South Florida first. It was my first experience with a hurricane.


I wonder how the pilot feels about landing a big killer whale? I love flying Southwest Airlines. I remember the first time. I was coming back from a weekend in Jacksonville to see my friends Darlene, Craig, Jimbo, Melinda and Shannon. The flight attendant said welcome to Fort Liquordale. I said this is a great town….We all had our luggage and we are off the French Quarter. We are staying at the “Inn on Bourbon”. I loved this place. Right on Bourbon Street and a short walk to Jackson Square.


The three guys, Humph, Mike and Justin head up to our room and the ladies go get their room. The ladies said they are going to drop their stuff and come out. Now I know there is no way in hell four women in a room are just going to drop their stuff and come out and play. I know they are going to un-pack and put their stuff away. We dropped our bags off and turned around and went outside. I went to the closest bar, which was about 50 feet and order up a cold one. Boy that sure does that taste good. By the time we finish drinking our beer in the street. The ladies show up. We are walking the streets of NOLA.


We are off to this little restaurant right around Jackson Square. Lauren likes to call them “Little pillows of Heaven” When I think of pillows of heaven; I think of a woman with a nice rack. Anyway, these were little pastries with white powered sugar all over them. They were good. Why am I thinking of a Def Leopard song right now?


Hey let’s take a carriage ride around the city. We had a great time and learned many things about the city. I learned what bar stayed open during Katrina. The guy said they never lost power. Who am I to question this man with a donkey. This guy was originally from NY and has been living in NOLA for over 30 years. His voice was something you would here on the radio. It was that good. He would also allow us to stop at a bar and use the bathroom and to get another beer while we were listening to the history of the city. We ended the little tour and tipped him well.


Walking around Jackson Square and looking at all the vendors makes me happy. This is pure capitalism at its finest. You can barter all you want. You can make deals and some deals will never happen. We stopped into this bar and they had flags of all the professional baseball teams and footballs teams. I can see the Florida Marlins and the Miami Dolphins. I also see the Cincinnati Reds. Hey where the hell is the Cincinnati Bengals flag. My god…I don’t see it. Could they have possible missed it. I was wondering if I should tell the manager of the bar they are missing a flag. Oh…there it is; All the way in the back by the shitter….No respect….


By this time we are starving. The game plan is to go to Mothers. Mother’s is a place where you can get the best hammy sandwich in NOLA. I was in heaven. Most of you know how I feel about a ham sandwich. Like I always say there is nothing bad which comes from a pig. Most everyone else has Oyster Poyboy and some kind of crawfish. Don’t ask me what a Poyboy is. I was told a few times and I still don’t get it. The restaurant was amazing. They gave out good size portions. I could not pronounce half of the things on the menu. But it sure did smell good. We all sat around a big round table and enjoyed our food. It was good to get something in the belly. Mother’s was the place we met Clayton and few of friends of the Bourgeois Family. They just were coming in as we are heading out. SO what did we do? We said lets all meet at the Casino.


We went in and I was in heaven for I am a SLOT WHORE. I am. I admit it. At least I have come to grips with it. Some of you out there have not. Anyway, if you are gambling…Free drinks. Nice…. But you need to find a waitress and tip her good else she will not be around for a while. Lauren, Leslie and I played Triple Cash machine. I love that machine. Well, my favorite is the 5 times machine. Did I ever tell you I hit 5X 5X 5X and won 1500.00. That was the start of a beautiful relationship. Ok, where the hell was I? Triple Cash machine; We played it and we hit triple sevens. We were so happy. It only paid a hundred quarters but it was playing time and that is really what we all want. Just to play a little more. Ok, we are out of here and I am only down a buck . That was a successful stay at the casino. Oh wait. I have to tell you about the bar. The top of the bar was all frosted ice. So it kept your beer cold when it was sitting on top of it. Very cool.


We are on our way to Razzo’s and what a hell of a good time we had walking there. First, we are walking past the side street and they are shooting a porno. Got to love it. I think I have that video. I will check next Sunday when I am having my coffee in the morning. We come up to the next block and we are having an Irish band playing in the middle of the street. The NOLO police are there to protect their God given right to play music and have a conga line. A few people joined in but I stayed back and took pictures. I wanted to; but I had shorts on and my calves were showing. Just did not want to draw any attention to myself.


We finally make it to Razzo’s. The famous 3 for 1 cocktails. Holy Shit…MaMa Mia has some competition. Watch out Tantiana. Anyway we get in there and let me tell who all is here. Humph, Lauren, Leslie, Tara, Gail, Elizabeth, Clayton, Martin, Sara, Kelly, Justin, and Michael. We are at the bar and the dance floor is like a few steps down. We are looking down at it. Next thing you know this guy is out there shaking his ass to no end. Then a waitress jumps out on the dance floor. Let the fun begin. The dancing was not pretty. But it was fun to watch. The back of the bar is a wide open corridor. I look over and this bartender is giving men and women shots of booze and shaking them around and then they get to motor boat her tits. What a great feeling for a Friday afternoon rally. I’m not sure who had more fun, the person getting the shot or the bartender getting her tits rubbed all day. I don’t really care; I just like to think about it.


For a person like me who really does love beer; this place is a little slice of heaven. Go ahead and order up a Corona and see the look on my face when she gives me three of them. Then she says that will be $5.00. Really? Please don’t kid me. I just got a woody. I tipped her $5.00 and still came out ahead. When you get three beers in front of you and you have not finished the one you were holding, it’s like to going to a football game at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati with the Fatman. It’s quite the scene. Somebody should really follow me around with a video camera and document this. I really should be on at 10pm on the Bravo Channel. I wonder if they would have a contest to see who really does have the best calves in the country. Note to self; Google that in the morning.


I guess I really should tell you why I went to NOLO. It was Lauren’s 30th B-day celebration. By now, everyone is starting to get to know one another. Thank God for alcohol. Sometimes I think we are all just boring as hell until we get some booze in us. That must mean I am boring Monday through Thursday. Because I don’t drink during the week. What about all you poor bastards who need to cocktail during the week just to make it through. Think about it. Just follow my way. You need to cocktail hard on the weekends and get into your Relaxin Shorts on Sunday by 7PM. Unless you have a hot little lady and you are going to get laid. There are exceptions to every rule. Don’t be silly.


So I am starting to think Sara and Kelly have a crush on Justin. You can just tell. They both were getting a little flush in the face, they kept playing with their hair, and their nipples were hard. Did I say that out loud? Everybody was starting to be comfortable around one another. It’s been a while since I was out and about with Clayton and Michael. The guys all stuck together until Michael felt the need to get out and do some line dancing. He was out there strutting his shit with Sara, and Kelly and they were having a great time. I really did want to get out there; but once again, I had shorts on and my calves would have been flying around and I did not want to take any attention away from Michael because I knew he was starting to work the scene. Speaking of attention. This guy and this blond comes walking up and they knew Lauren. I need to describe this woman, she had a blue dress on and it was a v-shaped in the front. Her boobs were out and singing Zydeco. Even woman around her wanted to touch them. Some women were probably using that soft voice and saying she looks like a whore because they were jealous. She was beautiful. She looked like Marilyn Monroe. I think her name was Katie.


The day was going by so slow. I was happy. We are in the big easy. You don’t want the day to move to fast. The ladies were making their way out to the dance floor and the rest of us hung out and watch the ladies jump up and down on the floor. Somebody has to do it. Tara never went out on the floor. She hung out with me. We just wanted to cocktail and people watch. Here comes the shot lady…YAY… We did a few rounds and a few more beers and we decided it was time to go shower and get ready for the night.


That was a quick shower. We are all going to meet back at Razzo’s. We are down stairs waiting for the ladies and I hear Gail is not coming down. She gets a text from me and I tell her she better get her ass downstairs. The party is just ready to begin. She comes down and I am glad she did. We have all been there. We cocktail all day and say; “I’m only going to lay down for a few mins”. By this time it’s all over. If she did not come with us, she would have missed my singing of “Paradise by the Dash Board Light”


The video camera came out and I felt like I was on stage. It’s as if I walked over to the Juke Box and clicked on E4. Meatloaf; Paradise By The Dash Board Light. “I never had a girl looking any better than you did….and all the kids at school wishing they were me tonight. Stop Right there….. I got to know right now do you love me…. I wonder if I can play that song using my accordion? Mama does have a squeeze box she wears on her chest and when daddy comes home he never gets any rest….that’s what I am talking about people. I have yet to see the whole video. I saw pieces of it. I have to tell you. I look good on camera. Dam Good…..


If I remember correctly, Leslie was always giving the peace sign. Did she really want world peace or did she really want to be on the plane again and order two Bloody Marys? Leslie was laughing all night long and at one point was taking photos of everyone around. We got so many good photos to last a life time. Well done Leslie….


The night is done…Its 4:30….heading to bed.


Good morning, it’s Saturday morning and I feel like a million bucks. Is it because I really look that good or is just because my adrenalin is still kicking? We are off to get a little grub in our bellies. I can’t remember the name of the place where we went. We walked in and there were tables everywhere. We went upstairs to this big room and we were seated. We had a great lunch. The service was not so hot because Leslie could never get her drink. Holy cow here is the King Cake. I love this cake. I am assuming everybody reading this has had King Cake in their lifetime. If you have not; You poor bastard. You don’t have to be in NOLO to have King Cake. But it always tastes better when you are. What does the little baby stand for again in the King Cake? We and everyone in the room sang happy birthday to Lauren. It was such a tender moment.


Well now we are off to Pat O’s. (Pat O’Brian’s) for all of you non-NOLO people. It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky. It reminds me when I lived up north in Cincinnati. It was that first perfect spring day. The kind of day it felt so good to be in the sun but if you were in the shade you felt a little cool. Know what I mean? Anyway, we all got a table in the sun and order up some cocktails. I have two new friends now. Christy and Tim. If you ever get the chance to meet them; well you are definitely going to have a good time. Secondly, they are just genuine. Cheers!!!!!


One may ask the question what does a hurricane taste like? I have no idea, I like beer people. Don’t you know that by now? They are too sweet for me. Everybody is drinking them and getting shattered. Hey is that Tara? Hola! She is just now getting her act together. What time is it? I think about 2PM. Good to see you are making it out. Ok, so what the hell is going on with Justin, he is having some kind of allergic reaction to the hurricanes and he is heading back to the hotel. What did you do to him last night Sara and Kelly? What is going on at our table? And I thought I have troubles. My goodness. I have to tell you there is a NOLO Saints flag flying in the middle of the bar. Good for them!!!!. Hey, I was at the Superbowl and watched the Saints win. It was a great win for the team and for the people of NOLO.


Let me get back to Pat O’s for a min. I did not know this tid bit. When you order any drink in a glass and the glass has Pat O’s name written on it; they charge for that glass. I guess too many people have stolen the glasses over the years. If you returned the glass, I do believe they gave you 3 or 4 dollars back. So as you can imagine, the group got a lot of money back. The sun is going down and the cool air is starting to set in. We are heading back to the hotel to get ready for the night.


We all said we were going to meet at the bar in the lobby. Imagine that. The ladies finally made it down after having a few vodka and cranberry. Something that is very rare for me. But I decided to because I live in a free country and just felt like it. We have the whole gang together and we are heading out to eat. We are meeting a few of Leslie and Laurens friends out. I don’t ever remembering all of the women from NOLA being so tall. Is it something in the water? These women were tall. I later found out they all played volleyball together at Old Miss. Dinner was fantastic. Off we go to another bar.


We have been walking quite a way to get to the next bar. We go in and belly up to the bar. Ordered up some cocktails. Having a good time and Shazam! I just got my balls felt up. I looked and there were these two guys who had a smile on their face. How cow…You just grabbed my junk. I think they were smiling because I have big balls. Or maybe they could see me coming from a mile away and said “Lets go fuck with the token straight”. I grabbed Tara and said don’t you leave my side. Then I turn around and Lauren is stuffing dollars down this guys pants. He is up on the bar doing his thing. I said to myself, “my goodness Humph, I think we are in a gay bar….” I think Justin was having a good time at the bar. He was getting free drinks from some of the guys and was really trying to work is way into Sara and Kelly. I’m not sure how this going to play out but it will be interesting to see what is going to shake down.


We left that bar and went to another one and they were playing some fantastic music. It was fun music. It was some crazy version of some Zydeco 70 and 80’s music. This bar was packed. I can’t stand it when you can’t move. Elizabeth and I were stuck behind and were trying to find everybody. We finally did at the Gold Mine. Every bar is backed right now. We are now in the bar that allows you to karaoke. This seems to be a big favorite of the Bourgeois. Because Leslie, Lauren and Michael all got up on stage and sang. I think Michael had the crowd. He sang “All my ex’s live in Texas”. There were some ladies looking at him with goo goo eyes. He was working on one and I thought she was pretty hot and she wanted a piece of Michaels' ass. But he didn’t give it up.. She went home alone and probably got out her rabbit…. Leslie and Lauren sang “Bobby Magee”. Love that song. They were looking up at the screen and it looked like they could see it or they were too shattered to read the words. Oh what fun.


So what is going on with Sara and Kelly and Justin. Are you ladies fighting over him? He looks like he wants a three way. And I am not taking Chili….. I think they all had a crush on each other and just could not figure out what they wanted to do. I told Sara she is going to make some man very happy man if she keeps eating that ice cream cone that way....just kidding. She is sweet lady who has a great sense of humor. Look forward to seeing you in South Florida.


We stopped to get some food and I could not put another beer down. I was done for the night. Lauren and Leslie were impressed because they outlasted Humph. My hats off to you ladies. Going to bed.


Today is Sunday. I usually like to watch porn with my cup of coffee in the morning and then get my day started. But not today. We are in NOLA. The first thing we do is go to Pat O’s and get some cocktails to ease the tension in my head. . Michael, Justin and myself are just sitting down talking and Justin tells us he goes to gay bars to get free drinks, but he is not gay. Really? Sometimes you just don’t say a word and let the kid keep talking. I would rather pay for my beer.


All the ladies are downstairs and we head to Lauren’s friend restaurant. What good food we had there. We hung out there and had some good laughs and started to walk to Jackson Square. Then out of the blue, Christy says we should go to Margaritiville. Yes, I said with a loud voice. I'm so excited. I have not been to this one. We walk in and I am like a kid again. We wanted to be outside overlooking the streets. We went upstairs and there were some tires hanging from the ceilings. Most people would think they are cool swings to sit in. But not me, they look like sex swings. Boy does the mind start to go places. Kiddy Up….. Well we finally make it outside. We are having Land Sharks and Key lime Pie Shots. Those Key Lime Pie shots are simply yummy.


Life as we know it is coming to an end. It is time to leave the city of NOLA. We head back to the airport and we are waiting around to catch our flight. Drinking beer and having some laughs. Then all of the sudden who do we see? The gay guy on the plane. He is back and looking at us like he can’t believe what is seeing. Deal with it pal…. Land in Lauderdale and happy to be home. Two and half days in NOLA will give each and every one of us a life time of memories.

That is all…

Steven