Hollywood Humph

The Tiki bar is now open….
Boat drinks are now being served….

When will the madness end? The month of September did not want to end. But we know all good things come to an end. Jim (works with me in Fort Lauderdale) went to Cincinnati for the Bengals-New England game. He is a rookie….Never been to the great state of Ohio or Kentucky. But that was all about to change in 2 hours. We land and my Pops picks us up and we are headed right for the bar. We tried to get him to come in with us but he declined. He could see the crazed look on our face and knew he wanted no part of it. We headed into a small neighborhood bar I use to visit as a young man.

We order up at the bar. Jim orders a “NASCAR” That is a Miller Lite. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a New Hampshire thing. Me, I go to my trusted Budweiser. The bartender says that will be $3.50. Jim says for both???? The bartender looks at him kind of funny and says “yes”. He could not believe a bottle beer cost 1.75 a pop. I said “welcome to the great state”. It really is amazing how inexpensive things are compared to South Florida. We are use to paying 5.00 for a beer. Except for the Elbo Room. You can still get a cold Budweiser for 3.50 a pop and look at all the pretty girls coming off the beach.

A few friends met up and we hang out for a bit. Time to walk across the street and go to the Blue Note. The Blue Note is a large neighborhood bar which holds a lot of people and has live bands every weekend. We all walk in and order up. Having a great time and look who shows up. “It’s my Miami Spinning Girls”. I walked up to her and she walked up to me and I spun her like five times around and around. Well hello there….. We laughed and talked all night. We were dancing to all those great 80’s songs. It was a complete workout. Who really needs to spin when you can have a fun night out with Hollywood Humph and Fire Cracker Jim. We had no idea how we were going to get home. Then my friend’s son came and picked us up. Apparently he was only allowed to drive up to midnight and was not happy he was 2 hours past the deadline. He was not a happy camper. Maybe he wasn’t happy because we all wanted to go to Skyline and White Castle. I thought it was a reasonable request. Headed home and time to go to bed….

Saturday morning and it is almost lunch time. Where are we going to go? Skyline (it’s a chili parlor for all of you out of state people). We get there and the girl waiting on us tells us her uncle owns the Skyline in Fort Lauderdale. Un-believable !!!!!
The chili definitely tastes different from the Skyline Jim and I go to in Fort Lauderdale. Good but different. We get back to my parents house and hop in the car. Took Jim down 5th street and headed to one of my favorite bars in the great state of Kentucky. CoCo’s is another great hole in the wall where I really got my Mojo back. Jim was still having a tuff time with the Skyline. Something did not set well with him. I called my friend Robin. She was able to come down and join us for a few. It was so good to see you. Stunning….

Back to the Humph house. My mother cooked a great meal for Jim and myself. I truly miss having that kind of meal. It’s just not the same just cooking for me.
Ron and Laura picked us up and we are ready to role. We are headed to the Hofbrauhaus House in Newport Kentucky. This is basically a beer house. It is the largest in the country and is second only to the one in Munich Germany. I am just filled with useful information. This place has lots of good German food and large steins filled with my favorite cocktail….Beer. I just felt like Homer Simpson. We get to the bar and order up. Ron and Laura order some food. Jim and I already have a good base to start. The bartender “Lisa” is pretty hot. She is wearing a dress just like the Saint Paulie beer girl. In fact, all of these girls are wearing these outfits. Oh my!!!! If I were to transplant these girls to South Florida all hell would break loose.

The band consists of a drummer and a guying wearing a squeeze box. Sounds a little odd…. I use to play the squeezebox long ago when I weighed about 60 lbs soaking wet. I had to sit in a chair because the dam thing was so heavy. I played it for a few months. Got a good work out from it! It took every ounce of energy to “squeeze that box”. Now it just comes naturally…. The band reminded me of a piano bar where people would bring up napkins with songs or something that was going on in the bar and they needed some attention. So I wrote my little saying. “We have people in the house from Fort Lauderdale”.. We yelled and got lots of looks. The note continued to say my house was open for anyone to come down for the Feb 4th football game in my back yard….It’s the “Super Bowl” silly…. The crowd let out a good yell. It’s all good…. The band was kicking and Jim found a few New England fans and sure enough someone went to school with his cousin, small world…. Of all places to meet….The Great State of Kentucky.

By this time, we were kicking it a bit hard. There was a bachelorette party going on and they had cards which they needed guys to do certain things. I’m a fun guy so I stepped up to the plate. They needed me to take my shirt off and give a “bulging” thrust. I took my shirt off and they saw my tan gorgeous ribs and I kicked my waste right at all ten of them. They told me- not my waste my arms…. It went down hill from there. Jim said holly cow is that Humph doggie….? Ronnie O said that’s Humph…..

Another bachelorette party, this girl had lifesavers taped all to her shirt. I asked her a few questions before giving her cash to take those lifesavers off her shirt. Wanted to know her a bit before my mouth was all over her. She was charging a buck per lifesaver. I asked her” who set the dollar limit on these”, she said, “her girlfriends”. I told her friends she has a nice rack and you did her an injustice. They should be charging at least 5 bucks a pop. I gave her 20 bucks and she said “have at it”. I spoke to her on each one. 5.00 dollar, 10.00 dollar, her friends now are getting the cameras out. I was almost blinded. 15.00 dollar I looked her friends in the eyes. Oh my…Here come 20.00 dollars, and looked her right in the eyes. I was enjoying my life savers all weekend long. Had one at the football game, as well as the airport before I left. Still have one sitting on my bar. Not sure when I will suck on that one….

We are out of here and heading to Newport on the Levy…..The band was kicking. Jim enjoyed the view of Cincinnati. It was a crystal clear night. The music was great, lots of girls on stage kicking and shaking their asses. There were no guys on the dance floor just women. Jim could not believe it. He never saw anything like this. I tried my best to get a few girls out on the floor while Jim, Ronnie and Laura watched the show. I was getting “cock blocked” by these girls. You could tell they were dying to get in and have a great time but never really engaged. That’s just Cincinnati for you…. (Except for my Miami Spinning Girls). I grabbed Laura and we danced for a while and you could tell the look on these girls’ faces they wanted to be spun by Hollywood Humph. However, when you asked one, the girlfriends would pull another “cock block”. Just can’t figure it out. They were not out for us; they were there to show of their shit for other women. Girls can be dumb…. Ronnie had to work in the morning….Heading home. Back to the Humph House.

Are you ready for some football? Mom and Pops were out for the morning and would be back around noon time for a ride to the stadium. Jim and I thought it would be a great time to have a cocktail so we enjoyed a few on my parents front porch. It was only 11:00 and I felt like we really got a late start. We get a ride to Covington in the great state of Kentucky. We hung out with Ms. B….As always so good to see you. We sat there and had buckets of “Nascar’s”. Miller Lights for those who were not paying attention earlier.
Getting close to game time and it was time to head to the stadium. We walked across the bridge. Jim has never done that before. He really got a lot in for a weekend. The game was fun; however we got an “L” in the column. Where should we go???? Let’s go back to CoCo’s. We met this couple, and they were a blast. Next thing you know 2 other girls come in and one is from the New England area. We had a blast just hanging out….
Its 10PM, time to go to bed…..


Pops, drove us to the airport via the “ferry”. Jim got to take a barge over the Ohio River. What a weekend…. On the plane, watched some guy watching his DVD video screen. It was like watching some Jamaicans having sex. Un-believable…..

Get off the plane and enjoyed another lifesaver…..Life is too short people….

“I give her a hug and look her in the eyes; she knows exactly what she wants to do”.

That is all….
Steven