Hollywood Humph

The Tiki bar is now open….
Boat drinks are now being served….

When will the madness end? The month of September did not want to end. But we know all good things come to an end. Jim (works with me in Fort Lauderdale) went to Cincinnati for the Bengals-New England game. He is a rookie….Never been to the great state of Ohio or Kentucky. But that was all about to change in 2 hours. We land and my Pops picks us up and we are headed right for the bar. We tried to get him to come in with us but he declined. He could see the crazed look on our face and knew he wanted no part of it. We headed into a small neighborhood bar I use to visit as a young man.

We order up at the bar. Jim orders a “NASCAR” That is a Miller Lite. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a New Hampshire thing. Me, I go to my trusted Budweiser. The bartender says that will be $3.50. Jim says for both???? The bartender looks at him kind of funny and says “yes”. He could not believe a bottle beer cost 1.75 a pop. I said “welcome to the great state”. It really is amazing how inexpensive things are compared to South Florida. We are use to paying 5.00 for a beer. Except for the Elbo Room. You can still get a cold Budweiser for 3.50 a pop and look at all the pretty girls coming off the beach.

A few friends met up and we hang out for a bit. Time to walk across the street and go to the Blue Note. The Blue Note is a large neighborhood bar which holds a lot of people and has live bands every weekend. We all walk in and order up. Having a great time and look who shows up. “It’s my Miami Spinning Girls”. I walked up to her and she walked up to me and I spun her like five times around and around. Well hello there….. We laughed and talked all night. We were dancing to all those great 80’s songs. It was a complete workout. Who really needs to spin when you can have a fun night out with Hollywood Humph and Fire Cracker Jim. We had no idea how we were going to get home. Then my friend’s son came and picked us up. Apparently he was only allowed to drive up to midnight and was not happy he was 2 hours past the deadline. He was not a happy camper. Maybe he wasn’t happy because we all wanted to go to Skyline and White Castle. I thought it was a reasonable request. Headed home and time to go to bed….

Saturday morning and it is almost lunch time. Where are we going to go? Skyline (it’s a chili parlor for all of you out of state people). We get there and the girl waiting on us tells us her uncle owns the Skyline in Fort Lauderdale. Un-believable !!!!!
The chili definitely tastes different from the Skyline Jim and I go to in Fort Lauderdale. Good but different. We get back to my parents house and hop in the car. Took Jim down 5th street and headed to one of my favorite bars in the great state of Kentucky. CoCo’s is another great hole in the wall where I really got my Mojo back. Jim was still having a tuff time with the Skyline. Something did not set well with him. I called my friend Robin. She was able to come down and join us for a few. It was so good to see you. Stunning….

Back to the Humph house. My mother cooked a great meal for Jim and myself. I truly miss having that kind of meal. It’s just not the same just cooking for me.
Ron and Laura picked us up and we are ready to role. We are headed to the Hofbrauhaus House in Newport Kentucky. This is basically a beer house. It is the largest in the country and is second only to the one in Munich Germany. I am just filled with useful information. This place has lots of good German food and large steins filled with my favorite cocktail….Beer. I just felt like Homer Simpson. We get to the bar and order up. Ron and Laura order some food. Jim and I already have a good base to start. The bartender “Lisa” is pretty hot. She is wearing a dress just like the Saint Paulie beer girl. In fact, all of these girls are wearing these outfits. Oh my!!!! If I were to transplant these girls to South Florida all hell would break loose.

The band consists of a drummer and a guying wearing a squeeze box. Sounds a little odd…. I use to play the squeezebox long ago when I weighed about 60 lbs soaking wet. I had to sit in a chair because the dam thing was so heavy. I played it for a few months. Got a good work out from it! It took every ounce of energy to “squeeze that box”. Now it just comes naturally…. The band reminded me of a piano bar where people would bring up napkins with songs or something that was going on in the bar and they needed some attention. So I wrote my little saying. “We have people in the house from Fort Lauderdale”.. We yelled and got lots of looks. The note continued to say my house was open for anyone to come down for the Feb 4th football game in my back yard….It’s the “Super Bowl” silly…. The crowd let out a good yell. It’s all good…. The band was kicking and Jim found a few New England fans and sure enough someone went to school with his cousin, small world…. Of all places to meet….The Great State of Kentucky.

By this time, we were kicking it a bit hard. There was a bachelorette party going on and they had cards which they needed guys to do certain things. I’m a fun guy so I stepped up to the plate. They needed me to take my shirt off and give a “bulging” thrust. I took my shirt off and they saw my tan gorgeous ribs and I kicked my waste right at all ten of them. They told me- not my waste my arms…. It went down hill from there. Jim said holly cow is that Humph doggie….? Ronnie O said that’s Humph…..

Another bachelorette party, this girl had lifesavers taped all to her shirt. I asked her a few questions before giving her cash to take those lifesavers off her shirt. Wanted to know her a bit before my mouth was all over her. She was charging a buck per lifesaver. I asked her” who set the dollar limit on these”, she said, “her girlfriends”. I told her friends she has a nice rack and you did her an injustice. They should be charging at least 5 bucks a pop. I gave her 20 bucks and she said “have at it”. I spoke to her on each one. 5.00 dollar, 10.00 dollar, her friends now are getting the cameras out. I was almost blinded. 15.00 dollar I looked her friends in the eyes. Oh my…Here come 20.00 dollars, and looked her right in the eyes. I was enjoying my life savers all weekend long. Had one at the football game, as well as the airport before I left. Still have one sitting on my bar. Not sure when I will suck on that one….

We are out of here and heading to Newport on the Levy…..The band was kicking. Jim enjoyed the view of Cincinnati. It was a crystal clear night. The music was great, lots of girls on stage kicking and shaking their asses. There were no guys on the dance floor just women. Jim could not believe it. He never saw anything like this. I tried my best to get a few girls out on the floor while Jim, Ronnie and Laura watched the show. I was getting “cock blocked” by these girls. You could tell they were dying to get in and have a great time but never really engaged. That’s just Cincinnati for you…. (Except for my Miami Spinning Girls). I grabbed Laura and we danced for a while and you could tell the look on these girls’ faces they wanted to be spun by Hollywood Humph. However, when you asked one, the girlfriends would pull another “cock block”. Just can’t figure it out. They were not out for us; they were there to show of their shit for other women. Girls can be dumb…. Ronnie had to work in the morning….Heading home. Back to the Humph House.

Are you ready for some football? Mom and Pops were out for the morning and would be back around noon time for a ride to the stadium. Jim and I thought it would be a great time to have a cocktail so we enjoyed a few on my parents front porch. It was only 11:00 and I felt like we really got a late start. We get a ride to Covington in the great state of Kentucky. We hung out with Ms. B….As always so good to see you. We sat there and had buckets of “Nascar’s”. Miller Lights for those who were not paying attention earlier.
Getting close to game time and it was time to head to the stadium. We walked across the bridge. Jim has never done that before. He really got a lot in for a weekend. The game was fun; however we got an “L” in the column. Where should we go???? Let’s go back to CoCo’s. We met this couple, and they were a blast. Next thing you know 2 other girls come in and one is from the New England area. We had a blast just hanging out….
Its 10PM, time to go to bed…..


Pops, drove us to the airport via the “ferry”. Jim got to take a barge over the Ohio River. What a weekend…. On the plane, watched some guy watching his DVD video screen. It was like watching some Jamaicans having sex. Un-believable…..

Get off the plane and enjoyed another lifesaver…..Life is too short people….

“I give her a hug and look her in the eyes; she knows exactly what she wants to do”.

That is all….
Steven

The tiki bar is open….
Boat drinks are now being served….

Friday September 22nd 2006. We waited for this day and it was finally here.
This trip was booked over 2 months ago and was one of the fastest trips every planned.
We had a place to stay and transportation to Freeport Bahamas. There were 8 of us from different walks of life. We would be joined by a common theme for the weekend….”Kalik” Kalik is the beer brewed in the Bahamas. I have to admit I liked it better than a Corona. I certainly did not have to put a lime in the bottle.

Heading to the airport Friday September 22nd 2006. Leah and I were fired up. Had to play a little JB to get in the mood. Who the hell am I kidding; I never have to play JB to get in island mode. Parking at the Fort Lauderdale airport is just a bitch. We looked around and around and finally found a spot. I should of Valet the car for 4.00 extra a day. We jumped on a tram and had a great view of the inside the parking garage. It seem liked we were on that vehicle for ½ hour. Just want to get in there and un-load my stuff, and head to the bar…. Everyone starts showing up at the bar. The excitement is building. We are Bahamas bound…. We slammed down a few and made it through security. Our plane is not even at the gate…. Off to the bar. Order up and the plane shows up. Since I was the oldest in the crowd, I decided I would bring my beer down to the gate instead of leaving it way up there. I spoke to the lady at the gate. She said we are ready to go in 10 mins. As I was walking back to get everyone, the lady said they were ready to board. I turned and looked at here she laughed and smiled. There will be another run in with the gate ladies.

On the plane….
Oh….Must be in the front row! It was the first time I flew facing everyone. It was cool…. The flight attendant was hot. I tried my best to get her to come along for the ride. But she needed to get back to Nassau. “Ladies and Gentleman this is your captain; We will be leveling off at 8000 feet then make our final decent into Freeport Bahamas. It is a 23 min flight getting there; 31 mins on the way home. The flight would be finished before you were to be part of the mile high club….

We are at customs. I fill out my card and I am being a “friendly” with the woman who will either let me into her country or not. She ended up writing down her favorite cocktail on my port of entry card….Nice people in the Bahamas…. A few head down to get a rental car. The rest of us are waiting on the park bench outside the airport. Everybody wants to give us a ride. Now this is the Bahamas I remember. I am thirsty so one of the girls pulls some cocktails out of her luggage. I am very impressed. Had no ice; however, we had rum and fruit punch outside the airport. Got to love it….

Here comes the rental car. Our luggage goes into the other van. Our cabbie is Mr. Curry.
You will hear much more about him….Lots of writing and my ass isn’t even at the hotel yet. I had so much fun I could have jumped right back on the plane and called it a night. But I stayed.

The hotel is called Xanadu. http://www.xanadubeachhotel.com/marina.html
The hotel was originally built for the “Rat Pack”. Some of you will show your age if you know who they are. The building was later bought by Howard Hughes. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=howard+hughes You can look him up. He loved to fly and would pull right up to the dock with his sea plan…. Mr. Curry is filled with good information and is an expert in driving between the buoys.

Holy cow this place is big………. Must of been 1500 sq ft. Two large bedrooms. Large pull out couch. We had 2 patios which looked east and north. Looking east was the ocean and north was inland. It is amazing the beauty but so much destruction is still viewable from Hurricane Wilma. They got it worse than we did. It strengthened as it left the east coast of Florida and crushed them….

Mr. Curry is still waiting for us downstairs. The girls are getting ready. Won’t be long now before we hit the pavement. The girls are almost ready. Should be soon. Mr. Curry is still downstairs. Un-believable he is still waiting. Almost there……Ok, we are out of there….

Port Lucaya here we come. Mr. Curry is filling us with all kinds of good information but he would rather be our personal tour guide. From this point on, Mr. Curry would never leave our side. The man was a trip. We served him cocktails and fed him all weekend long. We had no worries with Mr. Curry around. I think he is taking a liking to one of our lady passengers.

Port Lucaya is like a strip mall. No double deckers here. Long rows of shops, bars and restaurant’s. In the heart of it all there is a square. Not really a square, more like a large circle with a stage at one end. We are at the bar and order up some Kaliks. The price they give you includes tip. It took a few rounds before I realized what was happening. However, if you tip on top of it, these sweet Bohemian women will have your orders right up. Mr. Curry was still in the crowd. The man has balls….Not afraid to hang out and have some Kaliks.

A band is playing on stage along with some show girls. They were all dressed up, they looked like they were in Rio for Carnival. Very sexy…. We found a table in the circle and all huddled together. The band started closing shop and some good music hit the speakers. It was only a short time before we were all out on the floor kicking and snapping those flip flops like no one has ever seen. Nicely done ladies….
The music stops. On to the next bar….

Sparkeys looks like any other bar. Had some tables on the front porch. The inside was not real big big. The bar curved around in a half moon like some sweet Bahamian ass.
Very interesting crowd. It was quite a mix of people. Definitely had “locals” and by the way; very cool and good people. You had the mix from the states and a few other countries. Mr. Curry is still hanging out and he is getting sweet on some young lady….

I headed to the bar and get a couple Kaliks. I order up and standing next to this tall blond. I think she was from England. We decide to grind a bit at the bar. I had no idea what the name of the song was; nor did I care. I was in a perfect place and a perfect position to handle that “Brit”. “What a way to get my Kaliks at the bar”…..Has a nice rhyme to it don’t you think? Ok, enough of Friday… Time to go to bed.


Saturday we all woke up to a beautiful sunrise. The rental car did not start. The battery was dead. They final got it up and running. A few people went out and about for a few hours. The rest of us grabbed a bite to eat. Its noon and it is time to hit the beach. The sand was un-believable. It reminded me of when I was “In the Navy” stationed in Pensacola Florida. The sand so white. Different from Hollywood and Fort Lauderdale Beaches. A few of the ladies brought their snorkeling gear and headed out. Imagine this…You start walking out in the ocean and it gets a little deeper. Maybe a foot deep. You come to a sand bar and you barely have sea water running over your toes. You are about 50 feet from shore. You keep walking out about another 100 feet and it barely hits you in the ass. So we decided it get a few chairs and set them in the sand bar. Sucking down some Kaliks. There was a tiki bar on the beach so we could keep highly liquidated. The rest of the crew finally made it back and we hung out on the sand bar for almost 5 hours. A guy comes driving up on the beach and he is in charge of all the chairs and umbrellas. He said the 2 chairs were 2 dollars a day. I said fine. I told him I would give him 10.00 if I could get a ride to the tiki bar because we needed Kaliks. He took me on his John Deere and drove me right up there. Got a 6 pack and bought him a Budweiser and he drove me back to the shoreline. I have to admit…This afternoon was a top three beach day in my book. I was so relaxed and had great friends around me. We talked about everything you could imagine and it never got old.

We all went back to the room because the tiki bar ran out of beer. I’m not kidding…..
Time for a nap….. Saturday night here we come….

Mr. Curry brought us out for another round. We stopped off at "Simply Native". The food was excellent, however, I was just not ready to see a fish head with eyes staring at me while I tried to pluck it clean. Leah cleaned it for me. You are a “sweetheart”. Mr. Curry ate with us and we treated him to dinner because he has taken such good care of us.

Off to the casino. We all stopped in for a bit…No one won anything. I had 40.00 in my pocket and that was gone fairly quickly. I went over to the ATM and the dam thing does not work. None of them in the casino worked. One worker said they won’t be up and running until Monday. He said it like it was no big deal… I said you have 500 class 1 slots and you aren’t worried. I nearly feel over in discuss. The tables were so packed you could not even get on one. One girl at the craps table was loud and crazy. She was hot…but dumb.

Off to Sparkeys….
Looks like we have a new crowd…. A few ladies of the night and a sugar daddy hanging out. He was dressed well. Great hat…. These girls on the other hand, had some curves which put melons to shame. Lots of dancing during the night and Mr. Curry still has eyes for a very special lady. The night is taking its toll on everyone. For a minute, I thought one of the guys had no “eyes”.

Mr. Curry was shown a new dance to everyone in my party. We were all walking down the street and then it started. 1 cent, 5cent, 10 cent, a dollar. Never seen a dance quite like it. But I was satisfied. Nicely done young lady…. Its 3 am….time to go….

Sunday morning….Time to check out and it is game day. We leave all of our bags at the hotel and head back to Port Lucaya. Can you believe it? Mr. Curry is here to pick us up. We grab some lunch and everyone looks like they got the crap beat out of them. It’s almost 1 PM. Headed to Sparkey’s. The have the NFL package. The rest go shopping I walk into the bar and there they are. Pittsburg Steeler fans. You just can not get away from these people. Un-believable…..We won. It certainly will make for a great ride home. It’s 4 PM. Time to hit the airport. Mr. Curry drove us to the airport. What a great guy. He really took good care of us.

We get through customs and head to the bar for some Kaliks. Everyone is on fire because we are having another fun day. I walked out and spoke to an agent for Bahamas Air. I still had a Kalik in my hand and she said you have 10 mins before you need to get on the flight. We all buckle down and slam them back. The agent gets on the loud speaker and says “Final call for Bahamas Air flight to Fort Lauderdale is leaving; so all the people in the bar finish up and get on the plane now”. What a way to end a hell of a weekend….

That is all….
Steven