Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Change....
Boat drinks are now being served.
Change is an interesting word. The word “change’ is very simple in its meaning, but can be very complicated when we try to “change”. I wonder why that is?
Change is filled with emotions; some of which can be more complex than others. What is it about change which can bring tears of joy but also bring tears of sadness? Why are some people afraid of change while others embrace it? I have pondered that thought more than you can ever imagine. I wonder if fear has anything to do with it?
Fear is a word which I think protects us as well as holds us back when it comes to change. Many times in life we come into a situation which will require us to make a decision on whether or not to make a change in our lives. Fear will make us look at all the decisions we have made in the past and make us question whether or not we can make a change. On the other hand, I think some people know how to embrace fear. When you face your fear, you can finally make that change and move on to your next journey in life. Which now brings me to my journey.
My journey will take me from Fort Lauderdale to Naples Florida. I am ready to embrace my new challenge. A new job, new friends and maybe something new that I don’t even know about yet. My change has many emotions. I know I am saying so long for now with so many of my dear friends. But I also know I will be making some new ones along the way.
I remember when I first came to Hollywood/Fort Lauderdale area. I was excited and really nervous all at the same time. What is a kid from the Midwest going to do in a place like this? EVERYTHING! The life that I have here is a direct reflection of the people around me. I could name everyone and tell you stories about each and everyone of you. But that means you would be reading this for days.
Relationships are not built over night but I have over time witnessed people coming to together for a common goal and do some amazing things. People come in and out of our lives and we will never be the same. I am a firm believer if you surround yourself with good people, you will always have friends helping you when it comes time to make your change.
Let it be known up and down the southeast coast of Florida, Hollywood Humph is leaving town…. Naples bound.
It has been a pleasure….
That is all….
Steven
Friday, April 23, 2010
New Orleans….Welcome Home Humph
Boat drinks are now being served.
It was Thursday night and I was trying to get my act together. Went down to the gym, had some dinner and stared at my closet and was wondering what I should take. I was not sure what the weather was going to be like because I could not get a hold of Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel. So I just had to text him and he finally gave me some results. It was going to be 70 during the day and low 50’s during the night. I wanted to get to bed early because I knew it was going to be a long crazy weekend. So I finished up my packing and tried to watch one episode of Family Guy before all hell was going to break loose.
I did not sleep so well because I was dreaming of drinking Corona’s by 10 am in the streets of New Orleans. Little did I know I would be cock tailing on the plane with 2 other crazed women who apparently don’t drink early in the morning. How are you supposed to drink all day if you don’t start early?
I was dropped off at the airport and there is Lauren, Tara and Mike. We were all very excited to be heading to New Orleans…Ok listen, I’m not going to keep spelling out New Orleans going forward. Since I type with two fingers; this is going to save me some time. From now on;it’s NOLO. Ok….Where was I? Leslie and Gail are right behind us and Lauren’s friend Justin. You know the whole routine trying to get through TSA. What a pain in the ass. We are all in…Thank goodness. Like every good person from Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood, I went straight for the bar. Yes, it is 8am. They are closed? WTF? Really? They don’t open till 9am. Now I am pissed. I am in holiday mode and I am going to one of the greatest drinking establishments in the country. Don’t worry, the Elbo Room is my top priority. Hope I did not scare anyone out there.
I wonder why my greatest feature is my calves? I think the big man upstairs said “look at that poor little bastard. He sure could use some help” And so it is….
So now, we are in the terminal with no beer and we are looking at each other like what should we do. And then it happened, we discovered the plane we were taking was Shammo. This plane was painted as a killer whale. Now if you all remember, there was a trainer who was killed in Orlando just a few days prior to us getting on board. How exciting was this going to be?
Have you ever flown on Southwest? If you have you will know exactly what I am taking about. They have these lines listed A,B,C. If you log on 24 hours in advances you can usually get in the A line. If not you will be toward the back of the plane. Every time I go on a Southwest flight I always look around and I think you can just tell who is going to be in the “A” line versus someone who will be in Line “C”. Sometimes when I am in line I just want to snicker at all the other poor bastards who are not even in line. They look like they have been just been beaten down. They probable forgot they were going on a flight or they forgot to put it in their calendar at least 24 hours in advanced. Priorities people…Come on….
Why is it I just wrote a whole page of detailed information and I am not even on the plane yet? Don’t answer that….
I like to get on the plane first. It makes me feel like I am going to get where I need to go. If I am one of the last people to get on, then I wonder how the hell I am going to get my carry on in the over head bin. There is nothing worse than having to put your bag in the bin 4 seats behind you. I can tell you right now…. You are fucked. You might as well get off the plane at end of the flight while the cleaning people are coming on. Drink heavily my frequent flyers.
The time has come for us to get on the plane. Thank goodness. We all have seats together and I have the pleasure of sitting next to 2 ladies in my group. Little did I know they could pound Bloody Marys and want to make a gay guy come over and beat the shit out of them. When I am on a plane I often wonder if I am going to see any of my fellow travelers out and about in the City I am going to. Sometimes I wonder if they will be on my return flight. I usually get to see one or two that look familiar.
We are in the air and I can’t wait for us to get to 10000 feet. That means approved electronic devices and they ladies will be coming around with the cart full of cocktails….YAY! Oh, I forgot. Southwest comes around with a little tray. Anyway, our flight attendant was cool. She was chatty, like me. So we had fun. I order up some beer because that’s what I do. Now, here comes the fun part. Gail and Leslie were having BM’s…That’s Bloody Marys. Don’t go down that path. We were having a great time on that plane and everybody knew it. Especially the gay guy. He was looking at Gail and Leslie as if they were mortal enemies. So what did we do….You guessed it. Ordered up another round. If people are having fun on a plane you just can’t fight it. Just order up and become like them. It’s not difficult.
By this time, my two ladies are having a time of their lives. You would have thought they have never drank at 9:30 in the morning before. So the conversation starts to turn to why a certain woman in one of those lady magazines is still with that crazy man of hers and that dress she is wearing makes her look like a stripper. God get me out of this seat. Someone please help me. I look behind me and there is the rest of the crew, just kind of hanging out. They are trying not to let the rest of the plane know we are with them.
We are getting close to NOLO. Looking out the window is a grim reminder of what happened here. There was a lot of empty space. It looked like a field of grass but then you could see driveways. There were no houses on those lots. I can’t even imagine what that was like. We did get a taste of it here. Most people forget that Hurricane Katrina hit South Florida first. It was my first experience with a hurricane.
I wonder how the pilot feels about landing a big killer whale? I love flying Southwest Airlines. I remember the first time. I was coming back from a weekend in Jacksonville to see my friends Darlene, Craig, Jimbo, Melinda and Shannon. The flight attendant said welcome to Fort Liquordale. I said this is a great town….We all had our luggage and we are off the French Quarter. We are staying at the “Inn on Bourbon”. I loved this place. Right on Bourbon Street and a short walk to Jackson Square.
The three guys, Humph, Mike and Justin head up to our room and the ladies go get their room. The ladies said they are going to drop their stuff and come out. Now I know there is no way in hell four women in a room are just going to drop their stuff and come out and play. I know they are going to un-pack and put their stuff away. We dropped our bags off and turned around and went outside. I went to the closest bar, which was about 50 feet and order up a cold one. Boy that sure does that taste good. By the time we finish drinking our beer in the street. The ladies show up. We are walking the streets of NOLA.
We are off to this little restaurant right around Jackson Square. Lauren likes to call them “Little pillows of Heaven” When I think of pillows of heaven; I think of a woman with a nice rack. Anyway, these were little pastries with white powered sugar all over them. They were good. Why am I thinking of a Def Leopard song right now?
Hey let’s take a carriage ride around the city. We had a great time and learned many things about the city. I learned what bar stayed open during Katrina. The guy said they never lost power. Who am I to question this man with a donkey. This guy was originally from NY and has been living in NOLA for over 30 years. His voice was something you would here on the radio. It was that good. He would also allow us to stop at a bar and use the bathroom and to get another beer while we were listening to the history of the city. We ended the little tour and tipped him well.
Walking around Jackson Square and looking at all the vendors makes me happy. This is pure capitalism at its finest. You can barter all you want. You can make deals and some deals will never happen. We stopped into this bar and they had flags of all the professional baseball teams and footballs teams. I can see the Florida Marlins and the Miami Dolphins. I also see the Cincinnati Reds. Hey where the hell is the Cincinnati Bengals flag. My god…I don’t see it. Could they have possible missed it. I was wondering if I should tell the manager of the bar they are missing a flag. Oh…there it is; All the way in the back by the shitter….No respect….
By this time we are starving. The game plan is to go to Mothers. Mother’s is a place where you can get the best hammy sandwich in NOLA. I was in heaven. Most of you know how I feel about a ham sandwich. Like I always say there is nothing bad which comes from a pig. Most everyone else has Oyster Poyboy and some kind of crawfish. Don’t ask me what a Poyboy is. I was told a few times and I still don’t get it. The restaurant was amazing. They gave out good size portions. I could not pronounce half of the things on the menu. But it sure did smell good. We all sat around a big round table and enjoyed our food. It was good to get something in the belly. Mother’s was the place we met Clayton and few of friends of the Bourgeois Family. They just were coming in as we are heading out. SO what did we do? We said lets all meet at the Casino.
We went in and I was in heaven for I am a SLOT WHORE. I am. I admit it. At least I have come to grips with it. Some of you out there have not. Anyway, if you are gambling…Free drinks. Nice…. But you need to find a waitress and tip her good else she will not be around for a while. Lauren, Leslie and I played Triple Cash machine. I love that machine. Well, my favorite is the 5 times machine. Did I ever tell you I hit 5X 5X 5X and won 1500.00. That was the start of a beautiful relationship. Ok, where the hell was I? Triple Cash machine; We played it and we hit triple sevens. We were so happy. It only paid a hundred quarters but it was playing time and that is really what we all want. Just to play a little more. Ok, we are out of here and I am only down a buck . That was a successful stay at the casino. Oh wait. I have to tell you about the bar. The top of the bar was all frosted ice. So it kept your beer cold when it was sitting on top of it. Very cool.
We are on our way to Razzo’s and what a hell of a good time we had walking there. First, we are walking past the side street and they are shooting a porno. Got to love it. I think I have that video. I will check next Sunday when I am having my coffee in the morning. We come up to the next block and we are having an Irish band playing in the middle of the street. The NOLO police are there to protect their God given right to play music and have a conga line. A few people joined in but I stayed back and took pictures. I wanted to; but I had shorts on and my calves were showing. Just did not want to draw any attention to myself.
We finally make it to Razzo’s. The famous 3 for 1 cocktails. Holy Shit…MaMa Mia has some competition. Watch out Tantiana. Anyway we get in there and let me tell who all is here. Humph, Lauren, Leslie, Tara, Gail, Elizabeth, Clayton, Martin, Sara, Kelly, Justin, and Michael. We are at the bar and the dance floor is like a few steps down. We are looking down at it. Next thing you know this guy is out there shaking his ass to no end. Then a waitress jumps out on the dance floor. Let the fun begin. The dancing was not pretty. But it was fun to watch. The back of the bar is a wide open corridor. I look over and this bartender is giving men and women shots of booze and shaking them around and then they get to motor boat her tits. What a great feeling for a Friday afternoon rally. I’m not sure who had more fun, the person getting the shot or the bartender getting her tits rubbed all day. I don’t really care; I just like to think about it.
For a person like me who really does love beer; this place is a little slice of heaven. Go ahead and order up a Corona and see the look on my face when she gives me three of them. Then she says that will be $5.00. Really? Please don’t kid me. I just got a woody. I tipped her $5.00 and still came out ahead. When you get three beers in front of you and you have not finished the one you were holding, it’s like to going to a football game at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati with the Fatman. It’s quite the scene. Somebody should really follow me around with a video camera and document this. I really should be on at 10pm on the Bravo Channel. I wonder if they would have a contest to see who really does have the best calves in the country. Note to self; Google that in the morning.
I guess I really should tell you why I went to NOLO. It was Lauren’s 30th B-day celebration. By now, everyone is starting to get to know one another. Thank God for alcohol. Sometimes I think we are all just boring as hell until we get some booze in us. That must mean I am boring Monday through Thursday. Because I don’t drink during the week. What about all you poor bastards who need to cocktail during the week just to make it through. Think about it. Just follow my way. You need to cocktail hard on the weekends and get into your Relaxin Shorts on Sunday by 7PM. Unless you have a hot little lady and you are going to get laid. There are exceptions to every rule. Don’t be silly.
So I am starting to think Sara and Kelly have a crush on Justin. You can just tell. They both were getting a little flush in the face, they kept playing with their hair, and their nipples were hard. Did I say that out loud? Everybody was starting to be comfortable around one another. It’s been a while since I was out and about with Clayton and Michael. The guys all stuck together until Michael felt the need to get out and do some line dancing. He was out there strutting his shit with Sara, and Kelly and they were having a great time. I really did want to get out there; but once again, I had shorts on and my calves would have been flying around and I did not want to take any attention away from Michael because I knew he was starting to work the scene. Speaking of attention. This guy and this blond comes walking up and they knew Lauren. I need to describe this woman, she had a blue dress on and it was a v-shaped in the front. Her boobs were out and singing Zydeco. Even woman around her wanted to touch them. Some women were probably using that soft voice and saying she looks like a whore because they were jealous. She was beautiful. She looked like Marilyn Monroe. I think her name was Katie.
The day was going by so slow. I was happy. We are in the big easy. You don’t want the day to move to fast. The ladies were making their way out to the dance floor and the rest of us hung out and watch the ladies jump up and down on the floor. Somebody has to do it. Tara never went out on the floor. She hung out with me. We just wanted to cocktail and people watch. Here comes the shot lady…YAY… We did a few rounds and a few more beers and we decided it was time to go shower and get ready for the night.
That was a quick shower. We are all going to meet back at Razzo’s. We are down stairs waiting for the ladies and I hear Gail is not coming down. She gets a text from me and I tell her she better get her ass downstairs. The party is just ready to begin. She comes down and I am glad she did. We have all been there. We cocktail all day and say; “I’m only going to lay down for a few mins”. By this time it’s all over. If she did not come with us, she would have missed my singing of “Paradise by the Dash Board Light”
The video camera came out and I felt like I was on stage. It’s as if I walked over to the Juke Box and clicked on E4. Meatloaf; Paradise By The Dash Board Light. “I never had a girl looking any better than you did….and all the kids at school wishing they were me tonight. Stop Right there….. I got to know right now do you love me…. I wonder if I can play that song using my accordion? Mama does have a squeeze box she wears on her chest and when daddy comes home he never gets any rest….that’s what I am talking about people. I have yet to see the whole video. I saw pieces of it. I have to tell you. I look good on camera. Dam Good…..
If I remember correctly, Leslie was always giving the peace sign. Did she really want world peace or did she really want to be on the plane again and order two Bloody Marys? Leslie was laughing all night long and at one point was taking photos of everyone around. We got so many good photos to last a life time. Well done Leslie….
The night is done…Its 4:30….heading to bed.
Good morning, it’s Saturday morning and I feel like a million bucks. Is it because I really look that good or is just because my adrenalin is still kicking? We are off to get a little grub in our bellies. I can’t remember the name of the place where we went. We walked in and there were tables everywhere. We went upstairs to this big room and we were seated. We had a great lunch. The service was not so hot because Leslie could never get her drink. Holy cow here is the King Cake. I love this cake. I am assuming everybody reading this has had King Cake in their lifetime. If you have not; You poor bastard. You don’t have to be in NOLO to have King Cake. But it always tastes better when you are. What does the little baby stand for again in the King Cake? We and everyone in the room sang happy birthday to Lauren. It was such a tender moment.
Well now we are off to Pat O’s. (Pat O’Brian’s) for all of you non-NOLO people. It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky. It reminds me when I lived up north in Cincinnati. It was that first perfect spring day. The kind of day it felt so good to be in the sun but if you were in the shade you felt a little cool. Know what I mean? Anyway, we all got a table in the sun and order up some cocktails. I have two new friends now. Christy and Tim. If you ever get the chance to meet them; well you are definitely going to have a good time. Secondly, they are just genuine. Cheers!!!!!
One may ask the question what does a hurricane taste like? I have no idea, I like beer people. Don’t you know that by now? They are too sweet for me. Everybody is drinking them and getting shattered. Hey is that Tara? Hola! She is just now getting her act together. What time is it? I think about 2PM. Good to see you are making it out. Ok, so what the hell is going on with Justin, he is having some kind of allergic reaction to the hurricanes and he is heading back to the hotel. What did you do to him last night Sara and Kelly? What is going on at our table? And I thought I have troubles. My goodness. I have to tell you there is a NOLO Saints flag flying in the middle of the bar. Good for them!!!!. Hey, I was at the Superbowl and watched the Saints win. It was a great win for the team and for the people of NOLO.
Let me get back to Pat O’s for a min. I did not know this tid bit. When you order any drink in a glass and the glass has Pat O’s name written on it; they charge for that glass. I guess too many people have stolen the glasses over the years. If you returned the glass, I do believe they gave you 3 or 4 dollars back. So as you can imagine, the group got a lot of money back. The sun is going down and the cool air is starting to set in. We are heading back to the hotel to get ready for the night.
We all said we were going to meet at the bar in the lobby. Imagine that. The ladies finally made it down after having a few vodka and cranberry. Something that is very rare for me. But I decided to because I live in a free country and just felt like it. We have the whole gang together and we are heading out to eat. We are meeting a few of Leslie and Laurens friends out. I don’t ever remembering all of the women from NOLA being so tall. Is it something in the water? These women were tall. I later found out they all played volleyball together at Old Miss. Dinner was fantastic. Off we go to another bar.
We have been walking quite a way to get to the next bar. We go in and belly up to the bar. Ordered up some cocktails. Having a good time and Shazam! I just got my balls felt up. I looked and there were these two guys who had a smile on their face. How cow…You just grabbed my junk. I think they were smiling because I have big balls. Or maybe they could see me coming from a mile away and said “Lets go fuck with the token straight”. I grabbed Tara and said don’t you leave my side. Then I turn around and Lauren is stuffing dollars down this guys pants. He is up on the bar doing his thing. I said to myself, “my goodness Humph, I think we are in a gay bar….” I think Justin was having a good time at the bar. He was getting free drinks from some of the guys and was really trying to work is way into Sara and Kelly. I’m not sure how this going to play out but it will be interesting to see what is going to shake down.
We left that bar and went to another one and they were playing some fantastic music. It was fun music. It was some crazy version of some Zydeco 70 and 80’s music. This bar was packed. I can’t stand it when you can’t move. Elizabeth and I were stuck behind and were trying to find everybody. We finally did at the Gold Mine. Every bar is backed right now. We are now in the bar that allows you to karaoke. This seems to be a big favorite of the Bourgeois. Because Leslie, Lauren and Michael all got up on stage and sang. I think Michael had the crowd. He sang “All my ex’s live in Texas”. There were some ladies looking at him with goo goo eyes. He was working on one and I thought she was pretty hot and she wanted a piece of Michaels' ass. But he didn’t give it up.. She went home alone and probably got out her rabbit…. Leslie and Lauren sang “Bobby Magee”. Love that song. They were looking up at the screen and it looked like they could see it or they were too shattered to read the words. Oh what fun.
So what is going on with Sara and Kelly and Justin. Are you ladies fighting over him? He looks like he wants a three way. And I am not taking Chili….. I think they all had a crush on each other and just could not figure out what they wanted to do. I told Sara she is going to make some man very happy man if she keeps eating that ice cream cone that way....just kidding. She is sweet lady who has a great sense of humor. Look forward to seeing you in South Florida.
We stopped to get some food and I could not put another beer down. I was done for the night. Lauren and Leslie were impressed because they outlasted Humph. My hats off to you ladies. Going to bed.
Today is Sunday. I usually like to watch porn with my cup of coffee in the morning and then get my day started. But not today. We are in NOLA. The first thing we do is go to Pat O’s and get some cocktails to ease the tension in my head. . Michael, Justin and myself are just sitting down talking and Justin tells us he goes to gay bars to get free drinks, but he is not gay. Really? Sometimes you just don’t say a word and let the kid keep talking. I would rather pay for my beer.
All the ladies are downstairs and we head to Lauren’s friend restaurant. What good food we had there. We hung out there and had some good laughs and started to walk to Jackson Square. Then out of the blue, Christy says we should go to Margaritiville. Yes, I said with a loud voice. I'm so excited. I have not been to this one. We walk in and I am like a kid again. We wanted to be outside overlooking the streets. We went upstairs and there were some tires hanging from the ceilings. Most people would think they are cool swings to sit in. But not me, they look like sex swings. Boy does the mind start to go places. Kiddy Up….. Well we finally make it outside. We are having Land Sharks and Key lime Pie Shots. Those Key Lime Pie shots are simply yummy.
Life as we know it is coming to an end. It is time to leave the city of NOLA. We head back to the airport and we are waiting around to catch our flight. Drinking beer and having some laughs. Then all of the sudden who do we see? The gay guy on the plane. He is back and looking at us like he can’t believe what is seeing. Deal with it pal…. Land in Lauderdale and happy to be home. Two and half days in NOLA will give each and every one of us a life time of memories.
That is all…
Steven
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Jimmy Buffett
Mr. Buffett,
My name is Steven Humphrey and I can’t tell you how excited I am to see you “Live” this year in Fort Lauderdale. A few friends of mine were planning on going to Orlando last November but it was cancelled. This up-coming show will be my 13th time I have seen you and the Coral Refer Band. I thought I might tell you a story about myself and how you and your music have personally affected me.
I was born and raised in Cincinnati Ohio. So you know it’s in my blood. I can recall many years ago my brother and a few friends asked me to go to Kings Island amusement park. It sounded like a great idea, getting to ride all the rides and hang out with some friends. Little did I know I was also going to be treated to one hell of a concert.
Walking into the venue was an un-believable sight. It is so clear in my head. The loud speakers were playing some good tunes. The seats are bleachers, something like you would see on the sidelines of a high school football field. They were all angled toward the stage. Little did I know, setting up the perfect angle to see you in concert.
You should have seen these crazy people. What am I saying; you were there! These people were wearing very colorful and Hawaiian looking shirts. The shirts really didn’t look like what we have now and what we are use to wearing to your concerts. They looked good, but different. I hear stories that this was the concert were you guys coined the phrase “Parrot Heads”. If it truly was, I am honored to have been there.
Beach balls are flying around everywhere at the concert and I was no where near the beach. How could this be? We are in the Great Sate of Ohio and this person on stage is going to transport me to the ocean. When you think about it Mr. Buffett; that right there is an incredible accomplishment. You can take someone in the artic or even in the space station and make their mind believe they are sitting on a beach with sand between their toes.
I remember one time actually calling the radio station. Remember those days? The DJ would actually pick up the phone. I asked the man; what was the name of the song by Jimmy Buffett that goes like “Dance to the left, Dance to the right”. He said kid, that’s “Fins to the left, Fins to the right”. I told him I loved that song and would he play it for me. He did, about 20 minutes later.
When you were playing in Cincinnati, you use to play 3 shows in a row. I never had enough money to go see all of them. But I somehow would make it to one of the shows. As time went on, we were all trying to understand what we created out in the parking lots and out on the Ohio River. Maybe that’s why you put all the craziness on the big screen as you are jamming to Fruitcakes.
Can you believe this will be my 13th show? Some people may think that is un-lucky number; I tell them that’s crazy. Anytime I get to see you “live” is a blessing. Some of my friends say why do you need to go to the concert when all you have is Buffett in your car? Seeing you and the band play is an uplifting experience for me. I was recently in the car and my friend asked me what I was playing, I told her Buffett, she said that doesn’t sound like him. I said that’s because it’s “Norman Paperman”. It’s all about the water don’t you know…
I moved to Fort Lauderdale Florida in 2005. I got to experience two hurricanes, Katrina and Wilma. I also found myself in a very different place. I was a little home sick. I did not know anyone down here. I would go to the beach and stare out at the water and some hot ladies hanging out on the beach. The beach definitely has a different look than hanging out on the shore of the Ohio River. I must be in heaven.
I was at the beach one night with my newly purchased Sirius Satellite Radio boom box. This was a big night for me. I had my beach chair and a 6 pack of Budweiser; I was ready to listen to you play in Cincinnati. I think back at that time and it really helped me get past me being away from family and friends. Changes in latitudes changes in attitudes took me to another place I had ever been. I actually got it. It finally clicked in my head and everything was so clear. I was meant to live in Florida and live the “Salt Life”.
Why is it that your music has clicked with me? Something I have thought about many times. I love all kinds of music, but yours takes me to other places. Don’t get me wrong, I still like singing to Lady GaGa jamming to “Bad Romance”. Why do some people like hard rock? Why do some people like rap? I think music searches out our soul and helps us find what we are looking for in life.
If a camera was on me from the time I walked out of my condo; this is what they would get. It’s February 4th and I get into my “Duck Mobile”; the first thing I do is turn the AC on. For I wear a suit and tie. Next thing; you guessed it, the CD goes in; Shazam! Live at Fenway is playing right now. I will be able to listen to Fruitcakes, Volcano and Boat Drinks. The volume gets turned up and all four windows go down. The AC gets turned on high for I do not want to sweat going to work. This is the day I will be turning right on 17th street in Lauderdale and driving past the beach. When I get to the top of the bridge I see the ocean and the glare of the sun coming off of her. I make my way around and I get blasted with the ocean breeze. To smell the salt air, to live the Salt Life is my destiny. Holy cow, I am passing the Elbo Room. God do I love that place.
I have to tell you a story about my 40th birthday. My friends took me out after work to a nice restaurant and then we decided to go the Elbo Room. We are watching this guy playing his guitar in the corner of the bar. Little did I know, my friends went up to him and asked him to play a song for me. Hell, it was my birthday. We all did a shot, and did a toast, and the guy starts jamming to Volcano. I was the happiest guy in that bar. My friends knew I would want to hear some Buffett. See; you were with me when I turned 40 and you did not even know it.
My Margaritaville Concoction Mixer sits proudly on my counter. I have to tell you the story about how I bought it. I was flying from Fort Lauderdale back to Cincinnati for a weekend with some friends. I was looking through the Sky Mall magazine. The magazine we all look at and wonder if there will be anything cool and reasonable priced. Well I turned the page and “Shazam!”. There it was; my new mixer that was going to help me hang on. I ripped the page out of the magazine and looked around so no one would see me. I stuck in my pocket. I ordered it right when I got back to Fort Lauderdale. She has been with me ever since. She has brought great pleasure to me and my friends.
I have Margaritaville shoes. In fact I have three pairs. I have the flip flops which are only worn to the beach and two other pairs which have maps on the bottom of them. I love those because I can always find my way to Islamorada and Key West. Some people may find that a little odd, however they will eventually ask me for directions.
I listen to your music and hear the words you are saying. I wonder why people interpret many different things to your songs other than what you originally had in mind? I wonder if you ever say ‘That’s not what the song is about”. Or are you happy that some people take your songs and somehow apply to their life experiences? I wonder where the happy medium is for you? Maybe, you just wrote down your thoughts and turned into a song. Could it be that simple?
Maybe you and I are not so different in regards to words. Your words are embedded into your music and to your books. My words are put down in my blog. My words have never been incorporated with music. It could have happened, but the accordion I was playing was just too dam heavy. For I was only 9 years old.
On Saturday February 27, 2010 you will be jamming in Fort Lauderdale. I will be in the stands watching and having a time of my life. Thank you for allowing me into your world.
That is all....
Steven
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Is it really over?
Is it really over?
I am sitting in my seat staring out at the field. This was not how it was suppose to end. Just about everybody has the left the stadium. There were a few players still on the field talking. The Fatman was about 50 feet away from me. He would look at the field and then turn around and look at me over and over. This went on for about 15 minutes. I did not want it to end, but I somehow allowed my season, along with my team, to take a final bow. It’s over.
I can’t recall a time when I was not a Bengals fan. Im really not sure how I became one. Was it because I grew up in Cincinnati? Do you automatically consider yourself a fan because you grew up in the same city as the team plays? What about all the people out there who do not have a team in their hometown? How do they make a decision on who they are going to cheer for? I can’t even imagine what that would be like. Maybe it’s the jersey’s they wear or maybe they like a certain person on the team? Does that give them the right to become fans of that team?
Football is part of my soul. It soothes me and slams me to the ground when I start to get comfortable. I can hear the plays as they start to un-ravel. My mind talks to me as I am pacing back and forth when its 3rd and 1. I am usually right when it comes to my gut feeling. It’s funny; I think it, but I rarely say it, especially when I know they are not going to get a first down.
If you live in a city where you team plays, you have a certain comfort level. Why? Your surrounded by people who wear the same color jersey’s and think the same way as you do. You want your team to win. Living in South Florida is no exception, except it has a different feel to it. It’s rare you find people who actually were born and raised here. When you do, they are Dolphins fans. No different from us. They are given that title because they were born in a city which has a football team. Would I be a Saints fan if I was born in New Orleans? Maybe? Would my buddy Fletch be a Bengals fan if he was born in Cincinnati? Probably not, but it would certainly make for some good conversation.
Going to a bar in South Florida to watch football games is very different from watching them in the town where you were born. You look around all of the big screens and look for your team helmet. It will be hanging at the bottom of the TV along with your opponent. You spot it and off you go. If you are lucky enough you find seats right next to the TV. If you are late, you are shit out of luck. Plan on standing the whole game. You really need to get there early; where they hell are you going to put your buckets of beer if you’re standing around. You need a home base.
Just about every team is represented in the bar. Even Cleveland is represented. David my friend, you are a trooper for hanging in there all year. Down here, you have Dolphins who hate the Pats who hate the Jets. Then there is Pittsburgh, nobody likes Pittsburgh. They are like a swarm of grasshoppers. They go from town to town and try destroying it. But this year, people were ready for them and shut them down. You can use that towel to wipe away those tears.
When I think about all these people under one roof, it’s amazing to me there isn’t more trouble. There are the yells and screams and taunting of teams. Sometimes the tension gets so thick; everybody is just waiting for something to happen. But it never does. We all act like we want to play nice in the sandbox but deep down we want your team to be defeated and I do mean defeated. A good old fashion ass kicking. Hey that’s just football.
I watch the games with Fletch, Tiffany, Bob, Kim, Marybeth, and occasionally Christina. In this crowd, you have die hards from Boston, Baltimore and Cincinnati. My crowd is passionate about football and their teams. When we lose, it may take a few days for the madness to leave our heads. Lose a Superbowl and It will stay with you a lifetime. Something we all have experienced.
What is it we get from being a fan of our teams? Is it the notion we can wear our jerseys with pride and all the other people can kiss our ass? Is it a deep satisfaction we get as people of belonging to a group of successful individuals? Or is it we just want an excuse to get out on a Sunday to be with Friends and drink beer all day. Maybe we want to see how many buckets of beer we have on the tables. Maybe we want to see if our waitress is going to be decked out in short shorts and low cut t-shirts. If you give her a good tip, she will let you look at her melons all day long.
People, it really is all about the game and how it is played. But in my world there seems to be many other games going on beside the ones on the big screen. I look forward to the next roar of the crowd, the singing of the national anthem, and the flyby which makes me so ever proud. Proud to be a fan of this game I truly love.
That is all…
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Fantasy Fest 2009
Key West 2009
The Tiki Bar is now open.
What exactly is Fantasy Fest? To answer that question, please sit down relax and take a ride with me.
It started about 2 weeks ago when I was asked the question about going. Fantasy Fest? Yes, I definitely want to go. My buddy Sean tells me he and his wife are going and I should go as well. Sean tells me we would be leaving on Saturday morning and going on a bus and coming back the same night. Well needless to say “I am in”. You know four years ago I was suppose to go to Fantasy Fest on a bus but it was cancelled because of Hurricane Wilma. You know we have not had any storms this year. But don’t let your guard down people; we still have a whole month to go.
So here is the deal, Sean, Tim and I am going. Tim and I get dropped off at the Sheridan Tri-rail train station in Hollywood. I have a cooler and lots of accessories. You know I am going to be on a bus with 50 other people. Let’s talk about this. I brought beer….duh…. Napkins, Tums, individual Kleenex packages and PH pads. If one is going to cocktail and eat all day, you most have all the proper items. It is just an extension of who we are. That is why I have shorts with 6 pockets. Women carry purses; Men who have bodily fluid problems have lots of pockets to carry their stuff.
So the stage is set, there are 100 people in the parking lot ready to board the buses. We are on bus number one. Meaning we will be blazing down the Florida Turnpike leading the way to our destination. Everybody seems to be in slow motion. I kept thinking to myself, let’s move people, your slowness is cutting into my cocktailing time. You know when you are boarding on a plane and you are sitting in your seat and you are watching all the people walk slowly past you; they don’t seem to be in a hurry. You just smile and all along you are thinking “what a jackass” just find a place to put your dam bag and sit in your seat. What the hell do you have to pack so much shit in that bag? Ok enough of that…
The website said we are leaving at 12 PM sharp. You know how that goes. We did not leave that parking lot until 12:30. By this time we had already put down 3 beers. I knew it was going to be a good day. Pulling out of the parking lot and getting out on the highway, you could feel the excitement building. There are lots of “yeah’s and clapping”. Our host gets on the microphone and said we need to go over the rules. Rules? What kind of rules do you have on a bus? No drugs or weapons. Ok I can deal with that. The other rule was “no negativity”. If you do; you will be asked to get off the bus. I like this rule. No negative waves. Then I thought to myself, all these little rules but it is ok for us to have massive amounts of alcohol on this bus. Thank goodness for our bus driver.
The bus is cruising down the highway and the music is starting to kick. It certainly starts to get you in the mood. People are starting to talk. The only people I know are Sean and Tim. But as time goes on we are getting to know the people in front of us. Monique and Carlos. She lives in Miami Beach and he lives in Philadelphia. He was just down here visiting her. It was a little more than that because they were kissing every five minutes or so. Turns out they are second cousins once removed or something. I was not sure how to talk about that. So Tim decided to chime in and if you have every met Tim, he will not hold back and will get to the bottom of the issue. He just came to conclusion that they should live in West Virginia in a double wide. It really doesn’t matter when it comes to love; or does it?
Monique and Tim got a long really well. Carlos and I had plenty to talk about since he was a firefighter. What do you say “Ronnie O”. For those of you do not know, my buddy Ronnie O is a firefighter in Cincinnati. The music is still kicking and this lady starts to dance in the isle way of the bus. She is dressed as a GO GO girl. She had the body for it and CFM boots on. Her boyfriend encouraged her to do it; so she did. What a great country we live in. Within 1 hour she was passed out. She slept a good portion of the ride.
We are entering Florida City, that last city before you hit the Keys. We pull into a super Wal-Mart so we are can use the bathroom. You should have seen the look on the lady’s face when 100 people walk in. She was saying “Welcome to Wal-Mart”, Welcome to Wal-Mart, Welcome to Wal-Mart. She was like “what the hell is going on”. We all hit the can and I decided we needed to buy some more beer. Imagine that? After picking up another 12 pack of Budweiser, I was walking passed an aisle and there it was on the corner. Hostess products; There were my HOHO’s . I picked up a box and was walking proudly towards the checkout lane. There were a few people who gave me a double take. Beer and HOHO’s; what a hell of a combination. I am sure the employees on Wal-Mart were glad to see us go.
Back on the bus…Yeah. We really stopped at Wal-Mart so the bathroom on the bus did not get nasty. Driving down in the Keys is beautiful especial when you don’t have to drive and you are on a bus and you can see everything. It’s not like being in a car. Our director lady, as she will be called from now on, gets on the microphone and says we are going to play games. She passes out pens and paper for everyone. She asks 30 questions and I have to tell you, these were difficult. The questions were pretty much sexual related. At the end of the game, the most anyone got right was 16. There was one question which asked what type of doctor who specializes in armpits? My goodness? There is a doctor who specializes in that? Many of you know how and what I feel about armpits. They come in quite handy. You know I can’t for the life of me remembered the name of the doctor. I wonder if I should go back to school and get my doctor degree. Doctor Humph has a nice little ring to it. Don’t you think? You know I could not even find something online about what is the name of a doctor who specializes in armpits? If anybody knows the name of it, please let me know.
We are getting very close to Islamorada. I am asking everyone around me if they know about the big conch right before you pull into Holiday Isle. Everybody looks at me like I am out of my mind. I told them to get their cameras ready because it is the largest conch they will ever see. Some of the girls were looking at me a little funny, but when we came up to it, they finally realized it was the largest conch shell they have seen. The shell looks like something I’ve seen before we pull into Holiday Isle and everyone went to the bathroom at the gas station, but a there were a small group of us who went back by the Tiki bar so we did not have to wait in line. We are walking right up there and guess who I see? It was Anna; she is my bartender at the Tiki Bar in Holiday Isle. She came over and talked to Tim and me. She is a lot of fun and was heading to Fantasy Fest after work. Small world… We are waiting for the rest of the people to get back on the bus. So I decided to do a video while we were waiting. See my FB page. A few of the girls changed into their costumes, but many did not. That would occur on the bus….
We back on the road and I am getting hungry. So what do I do? I get my box of HoHo’s. I open my box of HoHo’s and I am completely floored what I am looking at. I said to the people around me, “what do you see in this box of HoHo’s”? No one could come with anything. I told them there are only nine HoHo’s in my box, which I do believe is clearly marked, “10 HoHo’s “. I started looking at people, thinking someone broke into my box of HoHo’s and took one. I was pretty close to making everyone smile at me so I could see if there was any chocolate on their teeth. It was time to let this one go. Not quite yet. This is what I wrote to the Hostess Company.
Dear Mr. HoHo Man,
My name is Steven Humphrey and I live in Hollywood, Florida. I am a big fan of HoHo's. I have been all my life. You should have seen the look on my face when I opened the box of HoHo's last Saturday. There were only 9 in the box. I asked my buddy to count the number of HoHo's in the box. Conclusion; nine. I pondered the idea of how could there be only 9 HoHo's in a box of 10 HoHo's. I think someone on the assembly line who watches HoHo's fly past them all day just could not take it anymore and took my HoHo.
I am an advocate of HoHo's. In fact, I am eating a HoHo right now. My buddy Rick in Cincinnati loves HoHo's. He is probably eating a HoHo as we speak. My Friend Julie in Miami Florida loves yodels. Why I don’t know? I tell her all the time she is crazy and she needs to get her life together and get back in the real world.
Bottom line, I love HoHo's and I miss my HoHo. Can you please help me find it?
Thanks for your time.
Steven Loving HoHo's Humphrey
Back to the bus, our director gets on the loud speaker and asks for a few volunteers. She pulls out a large dildo and said we are having a contest on who can put a condom on this dildo the fastest. There were a few guys who jumped up thinking they could win this contest. These guys must have weighed 250 pounds. They were cocky. You could just tell. But then this little lady about 5’ 2” and who weighs a buck five volunteers as well. The guys get up there and do their thing; they put it on in about 8 seconds. Then the little lady gets up grabs the condom with her teeth, rips open the package and puts the condom on in 7 seconds. The bus went crazy and the guys had the long walk to the back of the bus.
People are walking back toward the bathrooms to change and there is now a line. Most of the girls really didn’t give a shit and just changed right in their seat. Most of them had sheets around them. One minute they have shorts and a t-shirt next thing you know they come out looking like a lady bug. Holy Cow…. It really is amazing you can watch the transformation of people when they put on their costumes. Don’t forget they are getting liquored up. What do I always say? “When they girls get liquored up, we can all have fun”. I just thought of this; we are not even in Key West yet. Maybe we should rent out some buses more often and tell people we are going places. Interesting; don’t you think?
Ok, so the director gets back on the microphone and she says we need 3 volunteers. She said this is usually a woman’s game to play but there may be some guys who may want to try this out. The director pulls out three bananas. If I saw them correctly, they looked like Chiquita bananas. I don’t think the director knows how to properly pick out bananas; they still had a green tint to them. Anyway, these volunteers were going to show the bus how to give a proper blowjob to the members of the bus. No one seemed like they wanted to come to the front of the bus. People were nagging some of the girls to go up. Finally, we had three ladies made it to the front of the bus. One of the girls seemed really anxious to get up there. We all thought she was going to do something special, but I later found out she was a bit deficient in her potassium. That’s why she ate the whole thing. I forgot about how much potassium one could get from Chiquita bananas. Anyway, the lady bug girl really showed her stuff. She was moving with that banana like there was no tomorrow. If we had a stripper pole on the bus, I think she would have been right at home. Anyway she won the contest and the bus cheered her on for her incredible display of pure enjoyment with a Chiquita Banana.
The view looking outside of the bus was just spectacular. The turquoise water was so inviting. I had to keep telling myself, the water on Hollywood Beach is beautiful so don’t get any ideas of moving to the Keys. We are now coming into Key West….
Key West is a lazy town during the day under normal circumstances. However, when the sun goes down over Mallory Square; well you know; all your inhibitions are left in your hometown. Jimmy Buffett was correct; “Change your Latitude, Change your Attitude”. I wonder why that is? Is it because we don’t live there and we don’t care because we don’t know anyone? Or is it just the excitement of being in another town and just kicking it up? Or maybe it’s the carefree life we get to live for a few days. Hell I think it’s just the booze.
I’m really not sure where the bus is going to drop us off. I just hope it is somewhere close. We are driving around and I see roosters. Tim starts chanting that he is a chicken hawk. Remember that cartoon? If not, just turn on the Cartoon Network. I wonder why there are some many roosters running around? Where are all the chickens?
The bus comes to a stop, I had Sean call my cell phone and tell me what the intersecting streets are just in case I lost everyone. So our director gets on the microphone and gives us instructions. The bus will leave at 2am. Please remember the time changed that night so really it would have been 3am. Everyone cheered. I think about it now and I wished we would have left an hour earlier. But when the bus has been drinking all day you want the most cocktailing time you can get. For God’s sake, we are in Key West people; pick it up. Everybody is now starting to exit the bus. We are on a main drag and 100 people get off two buses. Don’t forget we have costumes on. I can only imagine if I lived there and looking out my window and seeing everyone come off the bus. I know I would yell at everyone to get off my grass. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t live there. We are on the sidewalks and everybody is just looking at each other like “what should we do?” Duh? Let’s all go across the street and take a picture of this crazy group of people. It was pretty funny to watch 100 people cross the road and block traffic just for a photo. Oh well you had to be there. Off to the party we go.
Walking the down the streets are starting to get a bit crowed. We come up to a street corner and see the barricades so we are close. We are at the corner and holy cow there is a bar. In fact if I remember correctly, it is the Green Parrot. This seemed to be our home port for a while. The parade was going to start soon. Let’s get a beer; I love places where you walk up to a window and order some Budweiser’s and a few shots of of Yagger. It’s kind of like ordering ice cream. You know what I am talking about?
Hold Cow…..Body Paint….Holy Shit ….There is body paint everywhere. It’s hard not to keep looking when you are not use to it…Hell what am I saying? I live in South Florida. I have to admit there were some really good paint jobs. You may have a hard time believing this, but there were times where you really could not tell if she had a shirt on or it was just paint. That’s where Tim came into play. If he was not sure, He went right up there and figured it out. Most of these girls were more than happy to talk to him about the paint. Or was it the boobs?
There were a group of 6 women from Baltimore. You are probably saying to yourself, “How did you know that?” Great question; First of all they had no shirts on. They had their chests painted with the Baltimore Ravens logo. I did a “B” line for these women and I have to tell I was quite impressed. These ladies ranged from 30 to 60 years old. The grandma in the group had a white bra on. Quite an interesting look don’t you think? The younger one was proud to show her stuff. It was the women around 40 who seemed to be a bit shy. But as the night went on and their husbands got them all liquored up, they just didn’t give a shit anymore. What a great country. Their husbands were good about all the craziness. I told them I was a Bengals fan and I was proud to wear my orange socks. The socks just happened to go with my costume. I was able to get my picture taken with the ladies. It’s on FB if you want to see it.
Tim Seemed to draw in quite the crowd or maybe he just like to talk to everyone. Sean was just sitting back taking it all in. I on the other hand; was in charge of pictures and video and boy did I get some good stuff. I could take some of the video back and use it as soft porn. Fish nets were in this year for some reasons. Women used on the top and the bottom. I like the look on the legs. For all you ladies out there, the guys had just things hanging in front of their junk. They looked like a tassels. Like the kind on top of your graduation hat. Basically it’s just a lot of half naked people around.
We did go into a drag show; these girls, I mean these guys, looked pretty good until you saw a three inch Adams Apple. Boy could they sing. What a variety of people in there. Gays, Lesbians and all of their token straights. People were throwing money at these performers. I don’t think there was any kind of recession going on.
My feet are killing me. It must be about 1am. Great! We get to do a whole another hour over again. I was ready for this madness to end. I have seen lots of nudity to last me until next weekend. We all walked up to Mallory Square and were Chilin down by the water. We hung out there for about an hour. There is something about the sound of the waves crashing on the side which wants to put me to sleep. Everybody is winding down quick. We have been hitting it for about 14 hours straight and I don’t think I can drink another Budweiser. My belly is so full I can play a tune on it. The Fat men would be proud of me. It’s time to get on the bus. Thank God.
There is a total transformation going on the bus right now. People are taking off their costumes and getting back into their relaxin clothes. I am pissed I didn’t bring my relaxin shorts with me. Oh, I forgot, they don’t go outside. The people who were talking the whole day were not saying a word. They just went to sleep. There are just a few guys in the back still talking. Then it happens; we are one guy short. The bus is not leaving; we call the guy on his cell. He is about a mile away. Our director tells him he has 15 minutes to get here or we are leaving. The guy made it. He was hammered and sweating like a pig. It was still 80 degrees outside. I remember waking up to the sounds of drunk people snoring. I kicked the guy’s seat next to me so he would shut the hell up. I can’t fall back to sleep. I watched the Transformers on the video screen.
It’s about 6am and we are close to getting back into Hollywood. I was staring out the window and looking at a beautiful sunrise. The sky was still blue with an orange tint to it. It made me feel better for I would be soon seeing the back of my eyelids.
That is all….
Sunday, July 12, 2009
What just happened?
The Tiki Bar is now open….
Did not sleep well, not sure if it was just a crazy weekend or did I have a million things on my mind. It seemed like a normal Monday for me. Went to work, came home, ate and went to bed. Up in the middle of the night and was sweating really bad. I had to move to the other side of my bed because the sheet was wet. Went to work on Tuesday and noticed people had flu like symptoms. I was feeling a little run down myself. Was a little pissed thinking I was getting sick. Next night I woke up again in a puddle of sweat, this time I had to change the sheets. Not a fun thing to do at 3 AM unless you are getting laid…… A new 1400 count sheet is better than lying on a towel all night…isn’t ladies? It’s Thursday and I am getting a bad cough, must be all part of this flu going around I thought to myself. I called the doctor and told him my symptoms and he called in some cough medicine with some codeine to help me sleep. Seemed to work, no night sweats and the cough was going away.
The weekend has arrived….yeah. We are headed to Islamorada. God do I love that place. We all arrived around
Monday rolled around and I felt tired. I was at work and decided to go to the doctor for some reason. I thought maybe he could give me something… I went and he said there was not much he could do because it could be the flu and I just needed to ride the storm out… I was about to walk out the door and he recommended we take some blood and run a test. I was sooooo pissed because I hate needles. I don’t like to get a shot nor do I like to give blood. I kept thinking to my self….”Humph, you dumb ass, if you would of walked a little faster out the door there would be no giving of blood”. Now I have to feel the needle penetrating my skin….I may just have to take a break from writing this because my anxiety is sky high right now. Hate needles….. They took the blood and the doctor said I should go home and rest and he would call me with the results. I went back to work and finished up some work and I went home. Once I was home I got into my Relaxin Shorts. Made myself some dinner and watched some TV.
My phone is always on vibrate because of work. It must have been around
I am getting checked into the emergency room at this time. I explained to the doctor what my doctor told me. So what do they do…You guessed it….They took my blood and they started an IV. God do I hate needles. I am lying in bed and watching re-runs of Family Guy. Tim was keeping me company. I told him the emergency room doctor looked familiar. I finally realized where I knew him from. He was the same doctor I saw when I had my ass problem last year…Of all the luck. That doctor forgot to give me an antibiotic last year and made my life miserable for 3 weeks.
The nurse game back and gave me the results of the blood test and she mentioned Leukemia. I said what is that? I could not remember what it is. She said it was a disease of the blood. I am in total denial. I told her to double check the results. I think they have my results mixed up with someone else. She said my white blood count was over 80 which is really high and my red blood cell count was around 4.5. She said she could not believe I was conscious….I said why? She said if your red blood cell count was at 7 they would give you a blood transfusion. If you are at 6, then about 90% of people pass out. You are at 4.5 and you are sitting in bed eating chips and watching Family Guy…honestly…you should be dead….. Wow, that’s a lot to take for a Monday night.
I noticed as the night went on, there were a lot of doctors and nurses popping their heads into my room. I’m sure word had spread on the floor that there was some freaky guy who has an extremely low red blood cell count and looks normal….The boy in the bubble…. Off to the 6th floor I go….. Tim has now called my parents and told them what is going on. They are getting on a plane and will be down here by Wed.
The sixth floor is like a freak show. Here I am lying in bed and have 2 IV’s in me. I am scared shitless and not a clue what is happening to me. Once again…I really don’t feel that bad. I honestly think they have me mixed up with an 85 year old guy…. Then it happens. Doctors and nurses come into my room with these face masks and yellow gowns on. They told me no one is to come into my room without these things on. It was like something out of a scary movie. The doctors once again mentioned Leukemia and reality was starting to set in but I really did not know much about it. One of the nurses came in to my room new me. I remembered her. She was a friend of Dave and Tom’s. They tried to hook me up with this nurse. But she talked so much I could never get a word in. So it never went any further. She was going to be my nurse for 2 days. I bet she got pure joy from sticking needles and putting a new IV in me since I never asked her out. Paybacks are hell……
I called Heather. This was not a call I wanted to make. I get upset just thinking about it. I told her they think I have leukemia. It took every ounce of my energy not to cry on the phone. Even though I could not see her, I could feel the pain I just delivered to her. Something I hope no one ever has to go through….You are such a good friend.
People at work are now finding out I am in the hospital. They really don’t know what is going on and the same with me….I seem to me in a daze… The nurses have been coming in every so often and taking my blood…I don’t know how much longer I can take this….I don’t even know what the hell they are doing with it. Maybe they are all vampires and I am the only human left. This is what heavy meds will do to you….
Mom and pops have arrived….Dam do they look scared. My mom almost squeezed me to death. Everybody is still wearing those masks and yellow gowns. When will the madness end? Sometimes people would come into my room and I don’t know who they are because of the gowns and masks. It’s not as easy as you would think. I remember looking into the eyes of a few of my friends and co-workers. They had a shattered look and I could not even see the rest of their faces. Some looked like they were going to cry. I felt bad people had to see me like this.
It was Wed afternoon and my parents went to go get something to eat. I was all alone and for the first time and I thought I was going to die. It seems so surreal. I broke down in tears and thought is this how it’s going to end? I started looking around my room and seeing all the stuff hooked into my body. I wanted to tear it all out of my arms. I can’t stand these shots and I really hate these IV’s. I don’t want to be in the hospital any more.
It’s been a real long time since I had a good cry. I started to think about all the craziness in my life and how I wanted to get back to it. My Family and friends will always be there for me…. If I was going to die I wanted to make sure I was going to be buried in my Elbo Room t-shirt and my favorite flip flops…You know the ones with a bottle opener on the bottom. It all came to a head and I realized I am not to type of person to piss and moan about anything. I am going to beat this, not sure how and what I need to do. To much to do and so little time… The game is on….
Holy cow I am going to the 8th floor…the top floor…the floor you go to when you are really sick…the floor where they treat you like a king. The Oncology Floor…The Humphman has arrived.
If my memory serves me correctly, I was in room 837. I must have good insurance because I have a room all to myself. There are some really sick people on this floor. I kept thinking to myself I don’t belong on this floor. Little did I know I would be spending a month of my life in that room.
CLL, Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia stage 4 is what I have been officially diagnosed with. What the #$%^ ? How does this happen? Why does this happen? Beats the hell out of me. One day you are having a time of your life and the next day may not come. The best I can describe what happened is as follows: I have a happy cell which decided it did not feel like dying. Remember…. all good cells know when they are suppose to die. My happy cell wants to reproduce like a mad man. My happy cell was having sex 24 hours a day for maybe a week and I didn’t even get to enjoy it. Like a typical man, my happy cell was exhausted after having sex and just wanted to sleep. Sorry, it’s in the genes……
How do you officially find out you have CLL? A bone marrow biopsy is how you do it. Doesn’t that just sound crazy? It sounds terrifying. I was scared shit less. All I could think about was this big ass needle being stuck in my bone some where and it is going to hurt like hell. So what did I do? I requested some information on what they actually do. You don’t want to know…This needle is like a cork screw and it takes your marrow out of the bone. Not fun….So I have already determined I better not feel a thing. How can I be sure of this? Apparently there are three ways you can receive medication so you don’t feel it. The first is three shots to numb the area around the hip. The second is pain medication through your IV and you also get the three shots to the hip. The third is you are completely out. I want to be completely out. If I feel this pain I’m going to loose it. I told every nurse, doctor and even the lady who brings me food I don’t want to feel anything on this biopsy.
They are rolling me down stairs to get the biopsy. My nurse told me I am going to the twilight zone. They lay me down on a bed and this machine takes pictures of my hip and ass. I really do have one tight ass and it is pure white. Anyway, they put this grid around the top of my hip; for this is where they are going to stick a 2 foot needle in my bone….There are few nurses and doctors talking and seem to be having a good time at work. I thought to myself, I would be laughing if I was going to shove a three foot needle into somebody. It seems like they are ready to do it. I am scared beyond belief. I said “when am I going to get some painkillers?” The nurse comes over and says for me to relax. Relax you say? Relaxing is when I am in my Relaxin shorts and in front of the TV. Relaxing is what I want to do after I throw your legs on my shoulders and screw you….
I never said it, but I thought it…. She opens my IV and puts medicine in it. I would say within 2 mins I am feeling wonderful about myself. I am starting to get a little chatty with this nurse, she then gives me some more medicine…Shazam! My body is heading to the twilight zone. I was thinking my nurse was pretty hot and she has a great rack. Please let me touch your boobies. Thank God I am lying on my stomach. I’m probably the only one to get a woody before a bone marrow biopsy. The doctor said “You are now going to get three shots and it is going to feel warm.” It was not warm. It felt like a hot iron on my ass. He said he was done with the shots. I kept talking to the nurse as if I was trying to pick her up or something. This went on for a few minutes. I asked the doctor when he was going to do it. He said he was done. I told him he was good and I did not feel it. Back to the 8th floor. Sleep I did….
Friday is chemo day…My first. One of the side effects is I might get cold and the shakes. You guessed it…I got it. My mother and father decided to go get some lunch. I am in bed trying to sleep and then it happened. I woke up and I thought to myself. Who came into my room and turned down the air conditioner? I put another blanket on and laid back down. Woke up again and I was shivering. My teeth were chattering and it reminded me when I was a young lad living in the great state of
When your chemo is complete they give you a shot in the morning and shot in the evening of neupogen. This is a drug is suppose to give your white blood cells a kick in the ass to get growing again. The shot is to be given in a fatty part of your body. Well as my first nurse looked me over…I don’t have any fat….I wished I did have some fat, but by this time I had already lost almost 20 lbs. Everybody who knows me realizes I do not have any fat to loose. Just about all of you have said to me at least once “You can have some of mine” The “Fat Boys” tell me every time I see them…So don’t feel so bad!
The nurse finally gave me shots in the back of my arms….I tried to keep telling the nurse my arms were solid as a rock and there was no way there is any fat back there. She gave me the shot anyway. Let me tell you about getting a shot of neupogen, if administered correctly, it’s like good sex. We talk about it for awhile, and then we penetrate the skin; take your time making the delivery, pull out and then eat some chocolate chip cookies. Let me just say, not everybody knows how to give a good shot. Well after about three days of getting those shots, the back of my beautiful arms were completely back and blue. Holy cow, one of the nurses decided she was going to the shots to me in my stomach. What the #$%^. Once again, if administered correctly, they did not hurt too badly. If the medicine went in to fast, it felt like my skin was on fire. All and all I had about 60 shots of this one drug and about 50 of them in my gut. No Fun….
My sisters Carol and Monica came down for a long weekend. They have now joined my mother and father. It was nice; they got to meet some of my friends. We are all in my hospital room just all staring at each other. I often wonder what it would be like to be on the other side. I got to experience the feeling when Christina got her tonsils taken out about a month ago. My family and I talked non-stop about how this could have happened. We could not come up with any answers. It just does. I’m a firm believer the big man upstairs doesn’t throw anymore on what you can handle. Maybe he is trying to un-do my fear of needles. If he did, I wish he could have thought of something else.
The doctors came into my room during the day and I was glad my family was there. I heard what I wanted to hear. They sometimes heard something else. But the good thing is we always talked about it and made sense of it. Communication is the key; it will always let you know where you stand with people. My family was the one asking most of the questions. I think I had not accepted anything yet about my problem so it may come across I didn’t give a shit. I did…But I did not know what to ask. It was a very confusing time in my life. Everybody I knew was looking up CLL online except for me. They were telling me things about it; I just was not ready for it. I can’t explain it. Maybe I could not figure out how this was going to get any better. Through out my entire life I have always figured out a way to survive on my own; and for once, I don’t have an answer. This is going to harder than I thought.
Everybody looks tired; it is a long day when you stare at one person for 10 hours. We talked about the rest of the family and I would make jokes to keep people smiling and laughing. I think it’s my job in life to find a way to make people laugh; even now more than ever. It’s something I really enjoy. I remember the weekend they were down here. It was raining all weekend. The sun goddess was out on vacation. I know Mitch was not happy about that. We finally got a little bit of sun and the nurse told me I could go outside for about 30 minutes. She un-hooked my IV. Sweet Jesus…Free at last. The humphman was free at last. This just reminded me of verse in a Jimmy Buffett song….
So I'll put on my bob marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get jah lost in the reggae mon
As I walk along the beach
Stay in touch with my insanity really is the only way
Its a jungle out there kiddies
and here we are at old Fenway
Name of the song? Anyone? I will let you think about it.
So we cruised out of my room and I was wearing my best hospital gown and my flip flops with the bottle opener on the bottom. I had my face mask on so know one would recognize me; for I did not want to draw a crowd. We walked over to the parking lot and I remember leaning up against a light pole. The sun felt so good against my face. I lifted my gown up so I could sun on my calves. They looked like they needed some attention. I was outside and I can’t tell you how good it felt. The smell of fresh air. The sounds of birds and cars going by. Little did I know I would not be able to go outside for another2 ½ weeks.
Walking back to the room and getting settled in was sad because I got to taste a bit of freedom. But I was grinning because it felt so good to feel alive even though it was for a short period of time. Time was running out and my sisters were getting to leave. I’m so happy they came down. They had to get back to their life with their families. My mom and dad were wondering when they were going to leave as well. They stayed a few more days. We talked about it for awhile. I was feeling fine and told them there was nothing they could do right now. It is draining on people when you sit in a hospital room for long periods of time. I told them I would call them immediately if something went wrong and I knew they would be down here on the next flight out. They also knew Tim, Mitch, Christina, Sean and Tiffany were visiting me everyday. There were plenty of friends stopping by all time. They knew I was good hands.
I think it’s time to talk about all of the people who came to see me. I think you all were responsible for making that big ball of visitor stickers when you check out. I was always happy to see friendly people come walking in the door. If they did not use the hand sanitizer, Christina would remind them this is a clean environment. I think she used at least two cans while she was visiting me. She may of even asked one of the nurses where she could buy a can or two. She really liked it. There were so many visitors at one time we stole chairs from the room next door. Although we did get busted by one of the doctors one night because he could barely make his way over to me. He must have chewed out one of the nurses. He said no more that 4 visitors at a time going forward. Whatever…. Go bother someone else… you asked my how I was feeling, made me breath deep so you could listen to my chest and as I later found out later charged my insurance company a couple of hundred bucks. What a job and get some people skills. I apologized to my nurse.
It seemed like everyone who came to see me brought food. I love to eat. My room was filled with all kinds of goodies. There were chocolate chip cookies…Thank you Heather. Mitch brought me cotton candy. I got care packages from friends in
Let me tell you what my day was like on the 8th floor for the next few weeks. I was starting to grow a beard. I was not allowed to use a razor; I guess they thought I was going to slit my writs or something. I finally got an electric razor. Hurts the hell out of my face but that all I was allowed to use. I wanted to get the grub off so because I did not want to look like Grizzly Adams or maybe even a porn star. I had enough trouble to deal with. I would wake up about
I would wake up about
Hospital food… It keeps you alive. I usually had eggs and cereal for breakfast. Well, I had it everyday for a month. Gets boring after awhile. I wish someone would make me pancakes. It never seemed to fail the doctors would always come in to see me when I was eating. They would ask me how I feel….how would you feel if you were stuck in this place? Don’t answer that! We would talk about my blood work and how nothing had changed. It appears the chemo is really doing its job. It’s saving my life, but I still can’t leave the hospital. I think between
Tim would usually come to see me in the afternoon. Tim was the one who brought me to the hospital and hung with me the whole night until they admitted me. Many times the doctor would stop by and talk to me. I was glad Tim was there for a second set of ears. It’s funny I would hear what I wanted to hear. Usually, I was about half right. Tim would always find a way to explain something to me and make it make sense….
You are good friend…
It’s already dinner time. My food would come about
Sometimes I would be completely surprised who would walk through the door. There were friends who lived in my building. There were people I worked with and use to work with. Michael would come to see me and call me all the time to check in. Just wanted to make sure I was ok. Mac would drive all the way from
Can you imagine being in that hospital for a month? It really was starting to get routine for many aspects of my stay. Shots, take blood, eat, and shower. I started to think if I don’t do something different I would just wither away. So I started to walk to hallways. It started off in the beginning; I would push my IV machine around. That my friend is no easy task; I later determined I would have the nurse un-hook me from the machine. I can’t tell you how good that felt to walk the halls with nothing attached to you. Many times I would walk with my flip flops on. You know the ones with a bottle opener on the bottom of them. Maybe I was somehow thinking someone would offer me a nice cold Budweiser as I was walking down the hall. When I would reach the end of the hallway, I would always look out the little window on the exit door. Somehow thinking one of my friends would kidnap me from this place. I never saw anyone.
Over time I would start to wear my tennis shoes with my bright orange Cincinnati Bengal socks. Everyone loved them except for a few people from the
When will this madness end? Did you ever just sit back and say what the hell? Is he ever going to get out of there? I got to the point were I was starting to think about that. My counts were so close. The magic number on the white blood cell count was 1. I needed that number. Hit that number and the kid gets to go home. Up one day, down one day; the counts were random and I wondered if it was ever going to happen.
My brother and his family are here. They would come to hospital and spend time with me. I’m sure my two nieces would have been happier sitting on the beach catching some rays. God knows I would of wanted to. My brother brought me some skyline one day and we pigged out. Skyline…You either love or hate it. We had conversations about the rest of the family and how everyone was doing. It was good to see them. I know my mother and father were happy they were down here. I’m sure getting a full report on my condition was comforting to them.
We were all in the room and it was around lunch time. David and his family decided to go to the cafeteria. Then it happened. My doctor came in and said “Steven pack your bags, you are going home young man”. I said you are kidding right…he said no. They did a manual count on the blood test are I was above 1. Holy shit! I am above 1. I started to shake un-controllable. I almost started to cry. I told him to wait and I called my brother back and told him he needed to come to the room immediately. They showed up in a few minutes and the doctor told them as well. I think I just needed to have someone else hear it. We were all so happy. The doctor said it would take hours before I get discharged. I looked at my nieces and said go to the beach. Have fun… They spent the day at the beach and I was calling people and emailing them and said I am going home. What a feeling…
Here I am sitting in my hospital bed with no IV in me. I get to go home. My mind was racing a million miles an hour; Just as it did when I came into the hospital. That’s weird. I don’t even know if I can picture what my condo looks like. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve been there. Everyone in my family stayed at my condo in the past month except for me. The day was progressing and I ate my last lunch. It was good. There was nothing right now going to get me down. I still had a weird feeling someone would come back and tell me I could not go. I don’t know why, maybe it just had not sunk in yet.
The word on the floor was I was going home and so many of the nurses stopped by. They were all wishing me the best of luck. I was just grinning ear to ear. They took such good care of me. What else more can I say?
How does one wrap this up? Was this a wake up call? This is by no means over yet. Was this a bump in the road? I don’t know. I don’t have a good reply on why this even happened to me. I do think it is a reminder for all of us to cherish our friendships. I have been so blessed to have such good people around me during this crazy period in my life. I don’t know if I would have been able to get by on my own. What would of happened if I did not answer the doctor’s call on
Your friendships and love I will forever keep close to me.
That is all….
Steven
